--Alan -- Nega-Hell 8.1. The holiday special! Be happy! ################################################################## MST: How Ganon Stole Christmas Nega-Hell 8.1 Original by Topaz989 Treatment by Alan ################################################################## "Wow..." Jadeite said in awe. Also staring at the building, Nephlite said, "It's huge..." "I must say... I'm impressed," Malachite chimed in. Zoisite, her face sullen, marched toward the mall doors. "It's just the Nega-Mall. Get over it." She had Malachite by the ear, and she wasn't letting go. The other two generals shrugged. Then they followed the lovers inside. Above them, a neon sign told the world, "Stuff Mart." *** Nephlite, Malachite, and Jadeite sat on the wooden bench, staring at the walls. Only a few meters away, Zoisite pranced from rack to rack of clothes. In her arms were half a dozen different outfits. "I can't stand it," Nephlite muttered, his voice audible to only his fellow generals, "How can she keep us waiting for so long?" While Malachite wisely held his tongue, Jadeite commented, "You got that right, Nephlite. Why, I'd rather be waiting in line for hernia surgery!" The two continued to trade put-downs for several minutes. Slowly, Malachite got off his behind and walked towards his beloved. "My love," he told her, "Haven't you had enough?" Mock-tears were in his eyes. "Well, if you must be so impatient," Zoisite replied in an unusually sassy voice, "I'll just take what I have here. Now... where is the line for purchasing things?" Sighing, Malachite pointed to a line that was already twenty monsters long. Zoisite smiled. "It won't take too long, dear!" she said. *** An hour later, the four generals stared at a line of colored signs. They had finally found the mall's movie theater. It was time to relax, not to work... right? "Where's all the good movies?" Jadeite asked. Nephlite stared at him. "Mostly sitting in university vaults," he said, "Look at all this... all this crap." Soberly, Malachite began to read off the list of titles: "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo... Baby Geniuses... Cruel Intentions... The Rage: Carrie 2... Wing Commander... and something called How Ganon Stole Christmas." Once again, Nephlite grimaced. "Sounds like Beryl's typical offering," he said. "Well, it's different," Zoisite said, raising her voice above the massive sacks of clothing, "and it's a holiday movie." Nephlite declined to comment. However, Jadeite said, "I don't mind one way or another." "Is it decided, guys?" Malachite asked, "It's been our turn in line for fifteen minutes!" Quickly, the other three said, "Yes!" -- Special door sequence! #8: The top of a brick chimney. #7: An ice-covered windshield. #6: A shower of garland and tinsel. #5: A wooden door illuminated by eight candles. #4: A gift-wrapped door. #3: A door framed by colored lights. The lights quickly go down, thanks to the fire code. #2: A television screen, which has "It's a Wonderful Life" burned into it. #1: A snow-covered highway, leading to the NEGA-MALL! -- [The generals enter the enormous theater. The seating order is just like old times. From left to right: Jadeite, Malachite, Zoisite, and Nephlite. Since the film is obscure, no one else is around.] > > > > Top20s JADEITE: A David Letterman film. > | JustIn | Discussion Forum | Author Directory >| Chat | Links | Help Desk > > > > > > MALACHITE: May all your Christmases be WHITE! > Authors : Register | Log In > > >Title: > How Ganon Stole Christmas >Author: > Topaz989 >Censor: > PG ZOISITE: Hey, it's Search for Kotori all over again. MALACHITE: Can't wait for Ash to show up. >Rating: > 8.00 Reviewed by 12 readers > > >I got this off of Toyfare Magazine and then twisted it a little NEPHLITE: --to appease Tamerine. ZOISITE: Don't knock Tamerine. She doesn't have a website any more. MALACHITE: Besides, FF7 Twisted was one of her weaker stories. >to make it for The Legend Of Zelda. Enjoy:) > > HOW GANON STOLE CHRISTMAS > >Every Hylian JADEITE: Nega-Hylian? > loved Christmas, > >they loved it alot... MALACHITE: Except for the annual spelling errors. > >But King Ganon on Death Mountain clearly did not! > >Ganon hated Christmas, despised it, detested! ZOISITE: So he sentenced his four generals to view bad fanfics... > >His fevered mind worked as the Hylians all rested. > >After dreaming of boxes and MALACHITE: --the post office. NEPHLITE: I'm awfully glad we avoided that place. > stockings aplenty, > >What if there were no presents? ZOISITE: What if Beryl didn't just die-- JADEITE: Enough. > Not a one? Not any? > >Ganon's twisted mind hatched a terrible plot. NEPHLITE: [Ganon] I'll call it Mini-Me. > >He would steal Christmas!!! > >Why? Hey, why not? MALACHITE: If Mayuka could do it... JADEITE: He's evil. Deal with it. > >With makeshift antlers atop his bald noggin, > >Ganon drafted a Stalfo ZOISITE: Sounds like a mixed drink. NEPHLITE: I think it's supposed to be a skeleton. ZOISITE: They should just say that. > to pull his toboggan. > >His mind full of thoughts of swipe, steal and pillage, > >Ganon's sleigh hurtled MALACHITE: --right over the bar. 1.97 meters! NEPHLITE: So that's why he's still growing! > down, down toward Kakoriko Village. > >His path clear before him, JADEITE: Of *course* there's no traffic in *his* world. OTHERS: Grumble grumble grumble... > >his resolve resolute, > >Ganon squeezed down a chimney to scoop up the loot. MALACHITE: Another day, another dungeon crawl. > >First victim: Talon, who lay snoring and bloated. ZOISITE: A *big* bird. > >"No presents for you!" nasty Santa Ganon gloated. > >But at Mido's pad, MALACHITE: The hippest place in town. NEPHLITE: Mido? Is that anything like Nidoran? > Ganon's plan become rusted, > >Mido? Up. Ganon's ass? It was busted. [Jadeite can't help but laugh.] NEPHLITE: [sotto] It takes one to know one. > >"Why, Santa!" the youth cried, > >"I've made your list!" ZOISITE: [Crash Bandicoot] I got your list right here, buddy. > >"When I stole all of Link's candy, I thought you'd be pissed!" > >"Nonsense, my boy," JADEITE: Now he's Montgomery Burns. MALACHITE: No comment. > Ganon said, > >"My list? You're on top!" ZOISITE: What would Cole Porter say? > >"Why, I'll even fine-tune the Deku Tree, NEPHLITE: Ganon, could you hit Navi? Please? > >over at my shop!" > >So with Mido fooled and tucked safely in bed, > >Ganon emptied the house; MALACHITE: File deleted. > up the chimney he fled. > >Back up Death Mountain with mission completed, NEPHLITE: Success rate: 100%. JADEITE: Secrets found: 20%. > >Sped Ganon and his sled, ZOISITE: It was a toboggan last time. MALACHITE: What difference does it make? > the punishment meted. > >"Christmas is canceled! NEPHLITE: As is my Tokyo Pop subscription. > >HAPPY HOLIDAYS, PEASANTS!!! > >Your nonsense will cease JADEITE: [Ganon] And I will rest in peace. MALACHITE: Good night, everybody... > >with no gifts and no presents!" > >But Ganon's rant was halted, ZOISITE: The Amazoness Quartet can only handle so many Lemures. > >no words could be found, > >When up from the valley JADEITE: The valley? NEPHLITE: The Valley of the Dolls. ZOISITE: The Valley of the Shadow. > >came a curious sound. > >The Hylians weren't crying from NEPHLITE: --sleep deprivation. MALACHITE: --too much shopping. > their presentless-tally > >Instead, cheerful song filled both mountain and valley! JADEITE: Is Julie Andrews around? I hope not. > >"Where are their screams?" Ganon pondered, "their groaning?" MALACHITE: [Ganon] The fire and brimstone? > >"No crying? No shouting? No bitching? No moaning?" > >It then dawned on Ganon, ZOISITE: Ouch. MALACHITE: Like a Rayearth sound effect. > smile gracing his jaw, > >"Christmas... is good!" JADEITE: Gotta make a buck... > and he felt his heart thaw > >"My evil deed I'll undo!" NEPHLITE: After the commercial break. > >Ganon spat like a curse > >Unaware that his evening > >is gonna get worse. JADEITE: Huh? ZOISITE: Explain. > >As Ganon's sled flung down, > >'MarioKarting' Luigi, NEPHLITE: Oh, good. MALACHITE: How many characters can we throw in? ZOISITE: Lina-sama had better not appear. > he never expected... > >The horrible incarnate as kart and sled collided! ZOISITE: The horrible incarnate? NEPHLITE: The two became one flesh. ZOISITE: ... > >The sled, flung high, up and long, > >Ganon then hurtled down towards the jubilant thong! JADEITE: ... [The others stare at Jadeite.] NEPHLITE: [sotto] He has learned control. > >Mouths now hung open and blood pressured soared, > >As each of the Hylians made peace with the Lord. MALACHITE: Ah! Megami-sama! [Zoisite hits him.] NEPHLITE: [sotto] Someone else still hasn't learned... > >"Momma me-ah" mused Mario, ZOISITE: [Mario] Why-a you make me into such a broad stereotype? > >with his last Italian breath... > >As he was ground into paste, MALACHITE: Just another Tom Lehrer holiday. JADEITE: At least it isn't ground zero. > >under Ganon's Sled of Death! ZOISITE: No relation to the Spatula of Death, the Sword of Death, the Key of Death... > >Crushed were his hopes for toy trains and trucks, > >Link, the lone survivor cried... JADEITE: Wait. How many people were there? NEPHLITE: Just a few dozen extras. ZOISITE: [Lina Inverse] Go away, peons. > >"MAN CHRISTMAS SUCKS!!" > >*Note* This was just a spoof. NEPHLITE: They said that about "At Long Last Love," didn't they? > No Hylians or Italians were hurt in >the making of this twisted sort of poetry. > >DISCLAIMER: I've been receiving alot of Email about this story. MALACHITE: I wish we could say that. NEPHLITE: Malachite, don't push it. MALACHITE: Sorry... >Most of you enjoyed it but some of you are thinking that I have >something against Christmas. I really don't. I love the hoilday. If >you'll notice, Christmas was the only thing that got Ganon to >acctually do something good(for once). I'm only poking fun at >Nintendo, JADEITE: Which is much healthier. ZOISITE: That was cold... JADEITE: Well, apart from the Poke-property, they won't be having a green Christmas... > not Christmas, its a good holiday that deserves a lot of >respect. I am truly sorry if this story offends some people, just >remember that its a spoof that shouldn't be taken seriously. > >Rate Story MALACHITE: Rate it, date it, reiterate it! [pause] ZOISITE: I was disappointed. Six out of ten. MALACHITE: Too many cameos. Seven. JADEITE: It was a decent spoof. I'm giving it a nine. [pause] ZOISITE: Nephlite? [pause] NEPHLITE: Perfect ten. OTHERS: ... > >Title: > How Ganon Stole Christmas >Censor: > PG >Rate Story: > >Name: JADEITE: I'm Jadeite, the blond menace. NEPHLITE: You may know me as Nephlite, the one with the secret knowledge. ZOISITE: Some call me Zoisite. MALACHITE: You know it already... but my name is Malachite. > >Email: > (optional) >Review: > > > > ZOISITE: Wide open spaces! > >Home | BannerXchange | About Us | Awards | Nonprofit Status >| Disclaimer > > > > > > > NEPHLITE: That had better be all. > > > MALACHITE: It looks that way. JADEITE: I'm ready to go. > > > ZOISITE: Back to shopping! [With the other three feeling depressed, all leave.] -- As he plodded through the snow-filled parking lot, Malachite sullenly said, "Ho ho ho. I'm feeling like Santa today." "I'll bet you are, dear," Zoisite said, in a teasing voice. She, unlike the others, wasn't carrying the bags. Nephlite rolled his eyes. "Before we go any further," he said, "Does anyone know where the car keys are?" All the generals looked at each other. They let out a collective scream. -- TO BE CONTINUED next year! -Alan December 15, 1999 Sorry about the list of bad movies. If you were offended by any of my choices, don't worry... I loved it, too! The "1.97 meters" line refers to Mitsuru Adachi's short story "Take Off." I got the exact number from the following page: http://www.yoshi.webvis.net/adachi/works/shortp/index.html e-mail: ChrOtaku@xoommail.com Anime writings: fanficoutlet.tripod.com ...Featuring /negahell Elfquest spoofs: eq_addiction.tripod.com "Sailor Moon," and everything associated with it, is copyright 1992-7 Naoko Takeuchi, Bandai, Kodansha Comics, DiC, Buena Vista, Mixx, Pioneer, and others. The idea of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyright 1989-99 Best Brains, Inc. Feel free to distribute this fanfic/MSTing, but please don't remove my name from it, and don't try to make money off it. Stinger: >"MAN CHRISTMAS SUCKS!!" "Watase: Artist for the boys' comic, Shonen Perv."