--Alan -- It's dark. It's depressing. It's BAD. Transformation Sequence 3... where the story goes for the gory. ######################################### MST: Transformation Sequence, chapter 3 Nega-Hell 19.1 Original by Alan Treatment by Alan ######################################### "Toast," he muttered. Jadeite, rolling about on his bed, mumbled the word "toast" over and over. It was not a pretty sight, so I'll just let the reader know that his body was well-covered. "Toast... TOAST!!" he screamed. The general jumped out of bed, and hit the ceiling. This would have almost been a normal scene, if Jadeite had then fallen back down. However, he didn't. As he remained half-planted in the ceiling tiles, he once more mumbled, "Toast..." *** Later that day in the throne room, Zoisite was happily throwing stacks of paper on a large fire. Her controlled fire had been set in the middle of the room. It was surrounded by a circle of rocks. Fortunately, she had cleared the carpet out of the way. "May I ask what you're doing, my love?" Malachite asked her. "I'm burning stacks of paper," she replied. He sweatdropped. "No. I mean, what's the point of all this?" "Oh, just putting the past behind me," she said cheerily. Then her battle aura sparked. "The cat's finally out of the bag, Malachite. Cardcaptors and Cardcaptor Sakura are completely different series." Malachite inched back, in fear of her blazing aura. He quickly told her, "Um... um... that's nice. So how does that affect you?" Her ferocity continued to increase. "You FOOL!" she shouted, "You don't *know* what that means?!" He waved his hand rapidly. "No. Should I?" he said meekly. Suddenly, Nephlite ran into the room. He placed himself between the feuding generals. "Whoa... hold off a second," he told them, "Let me tell the audience what this means." Jadeite, who had been sitting quietly by his PC, glanced at them. "Is this going to be a long, scarcely- disguised rant?" he asked. "No. It'll be a short, scarcely-disguised rant," Nephlite immediately replied. Setting both Malachite and Zoisite on the ground, he told the audience, "You see, we just watched the first episode of 'Cardcaptors.' We were surprised to find that the show had been turned into an imitation of Pokemon-- that is, an American-ized show that both guys and girls could enjoy. I guess we should've expected as much." Meanwhile, Zoisite was still fuming and sparking. "That's not what I expected you to say," she told him, "You're usually the one who's harsh on dubs and adaptations." She glowered upward. "Hey, if you can be a dynamic character and have your personality gradually change, so can I," he told her. "Well, that was a nice, pointless rant," Malachite said, trying to ease the tension, "So what now? A scene change?" Zoisite then stood up. "Just one more thing, newly namby- pamby Nephlite," she said, waving a fist in his face, "I wanted a really good dub that would get people accustomed to anime. What will I give them now, huh?" He sweatdropped for a second. "First, wait for the videos to be announced," Nephlite said in exasperation, "and don't be afraid to give them the subtitled version." He paused for a second. "Scene change, quick!" he exclaimed, "Before we can go off on any more tangents." *** "Hello there, aliens and strangers," Beryl said in her usual sneering, mocking, more-evil-than-thou voice, "May I take pity on your souls because you suffer so?" "Drop it, Beryl," Jadeite told her, grimacing, "It's time to move on to better topics." She smiled as he said the harsh words. "I like hearing you display backbone," she replied. "Nonetheless, I still must send you to the theater. It's time to get back to good ol' Transformation Sequence." She then pushed a button on her laptop. "Ah, angst," sighed Zoisite, "Just the thing to soothe my frayed nerves and my shattered soul." Malachite looked at her sideways. "Yeah. Uh-huh. You go right ahead and enjoy it, my love," he said. "I was joking," she said in a low voice. Beryl coughed to interrupt them. "Settle down, children. The show is about to begin." She cued up the stock footage. Instead of retreating behind her barrier, she walked out of the room. "Did she just walk out, or am I delusional?" Jadeite asked quietly, so as not to incur the queen's wrath. Nephlite glared down at him. "You're obviously delusional," he said, "How could you think that she'd do something *other* than the stock footage? You must be mad! MAD!" Meanwhile, Malachite and Zoisite simultaneously yawned. "It's time to go, children," they said. -- The most unworthy door sequence: #6: A shower of ice crystals. #5: An elevator door, opening to nothing but blackness. #4: A prison gate, barred by thick chains. Falls apart. #3: A waterfall. The camera pans outwards. #2: A television screen, which sizzles and explodes. #1: A highway leading down to HELL! -- [The four enter the small theater. The seating order is--according to witnesses on the scene--from left to right: Jadeite, Malachite, Nephlite, and Zoisite.] > > >Transformation Sequence: Chapter 3 > >A "Sailor Moon" Fanfic Series NEPHLITE: Quotation marks added for sarcasm. MALACHITE: Yes. Would you like to "purchase" a "Sailor Moon" tape from us? It won't "cost" you too much! In fact, the "tape" is completely "free"! Bwa ha ha! > >Chapter 3: The Genius > >She sat at her desk, head arched over her reading >material, JADEITE: She's *slowly* going through the next ten- pound Robert Jordan novel. NEPHLITE: I bet she's reading something outdated and angsty, like the memoirs of Kurt Cobain. ZOISITE: Nah, it's probably a product plug, like some obscure manga series by Naoko Takeuchi. >eyes rapidly scrolling up and down, right and left. >Serena propped her right elbow up on the desk, and >placed her fingers on her chin. ZOISITE: This is *so* exciting. >She slowly nodded, fixing her eyes on the crudely >penciled, hastily inked lines. ZOISITE: Maybe I was right. MALACHITE: I guess Takeuchi can still get work these days. >Laughing quietly, she turned the manga to the next >page, and just missed hearing the door to her bedroom >creak open. JADEITE: This is *so* suspenseful. MALACHITE: [Serena] I wonder who could be at my door today? I've already been visited by Artemis, Kero, Mokona, P-chan, Ryo-ohki, Bob the tomato, Santa Claus, and Kazaam the genie... > >"Oh, Serena," said the soft, calm voice of the elder >Tsukino, NEPHLITE: --the elder goddess. >"I wish you'd get back to your studies. Maybe that >way, you will have a chance at a better future." JADEITE: [Mrs. Tsukino] Give a hoot! Read a book. ZOISITE: Yeah. She *is* prone to saying inane dialogue. >Serena's mother, seeing that her daughter was not >moving, ZOISITE: Is this what they call "motionless picture entertainment"? NEPHLITE: Don't ask me. I cancelled my subscription to Tokyo Pop. And Mixx hasn't used that slogan since 1998. >closed the door, and walked back downstairs >to her kitchen. MALACHITE: I wonder if she's a good cook. There's got to be a reason why she goes to the kitchen a lot. > > Serena asked herself, closing >the thick book, JADEITE: Kicking up a huge cloud of dust. Gah! NEPHLITE: As far as we know, Takeuchi's books have all been 200 pages or less. That's hardly "thick." >another of Haruna's tests, but that's my business >alone.> ZOISITE: The business of Serena is business. NEPHLITE: I want to see her conquer the corporate world. >Pushing her chair away from the desk, Serena stood up, >and looked towards the open window. JADEITE: I love the fanfic's use of stock footage. MALACHITE: If you look carefully, you can see a construction crew creating a Crown Casino right next to the Crown Arcade. >It had grown dark over the last few hours, and yet >there was no sign of Luna. she thought, NEPHLITE: [Serena] Oh, sh**. Somebody else is out of alcohol! >gritting her teeth and kicking the chair back into its >original position, JADEITE: [Serena] Scooby-Doo, where are you? ZOISITE: [same] Trumpy? Where are you hiding? > >*** >Luna stood in the Crown Arcade, alone among the >machines. She mumbled, "At least that Andrew person >was kind enough to let me into this place as it was >closing. MALACHITE: Actually, that's bad business practice. If Andrew's ignorant of Luna's true nature, he wouldn't let her in. JADEITE: After all, cats tend to claw on furniture. Who knows what they could do to an arcade cabinet... >Without the 'Sailor V' game, I wouldn't able to get a >hold of Artemis." Walking silently up to the "Sailor >V" video game cabinet, she leaped up to the controls, ZOISITE: Nice move. MALACHITE: [Luna] Luna Super Leap! >tapped the screen, and quietly said, "This is user >Luna. Activate the Central Command system - JADEITE: Cue up the stock footage. ZOISITE: [computer] User name "Luna" not found. Abort, retry, or quit? >I wish to speak to my counterpart, Artemis. The >password is as follows: only the cats know of the >interchangable souls." NEPHLITE: Interchangable souls? Sounds like something out of Inu-Yasha. MALACHITE: That's what they meant by Sailor Moon and Serena being separate. > >Staring at the now-lit screen, she hoped that the >machine would still work according to Sailor V's >design. NEPHLITE: Yeah, right. Mina could never design a computer system by herself. JADEITE: She couldn't? NEPHLITE: No. Well, maybe Sailor V could. They're inexplicably different. >Luna watched as the yellow "Sailor V" logo slowly >scrolled to the left, and off the screen. ZOISITE: Intense 8-bit action! >After a moment passed, a mechanical voice came through >the speakers and said, MALACHITE: [computer] Please upgrade your hardware, as the computer is completely inept; not to mention likely to break down. JADEITE: [same] I'm hungry. FEED ME!! >"The Central Command interface has been activated >successfully. Here is the most recent transmission >from Artemis..." NEPHLITE: [computer] User "Artemis" has left a message. Do you wish to accept it? MALACHITE: [Artemis] D00d! Th!s $tuff relee kix sum $eriu& @$$! >There was another pause, and as Luna waited, holding >her breath back, ZOISITE: Remember, children... breathing is a good thing. NEPHLITE: [Sakura Kinomoto] Release! >Artemis' voice replaced that of the machine. Her >fellow cat's face appeared, and he was smiling - JADEITE: He's back to his usual perverted self. >nothing had gone wrong. He said, "Everything is well >on my end. V MALACHITE: V? *V*?! ZOISITE: Sailor V's been fused with Yurika Misumaru! >has faded from the spotlight a bit, but she promised >me - while in her Sailor form - ZOISITE: --while she had the key to the Nadesico-- >that she will return to publicly face the Negaverse >when she can unite with Sailor Moon. JADEITE: Does that require another fusion? NEPHLITE: [evil Serena] Do you want to become one with me? >Speaking of which... congratulations on finding her! I >know you're disappointed with her attitude ZOISITE: Well, if you're aiming to aim the show at boys *and* girls, it's pretty much required. JADEITE: [Madison] What-ever! >while she's not governed by her Sailor soul, but I >feel the same about V. MALACHITE: Everyone loves Yurika. But I could care less about Sailor V. >But remember... it's all for the best ZOISITE: As long as we get subtitled, uncut Cardcaptor Sakura, I'll stop complaining. MALACHITE: Yeah, but what will you give the kids? >when, finally, they return to be the same people we >knew in the Silver Milennium. NEPHLITE: I think this fic *is* a huge statement about adapting anime. JADEITE: Shut up, fanboy. > >"One key development I've noticed lately - there's >just begun to be a large concentration of Negaverse- >type signals MALACHITE: Concentrated Negaverse extract. That's good eating. >near a cram school in your district of Tokyo. ZOISITE: The as-of-yet unnamed district of Tokyo. MALACHITE: I figure it's somewhere between Nerima, Clock Hill, and downtown Melbourne. >Keep an eye on that, Luna. Until next time, this is JADEITE: --Casey Kasem? >Artemis." With a slight crack from the speakers, >Artemis' voice faded out. NEPHLITE: I guess Artemis is just now reaching puberty. >Blinking twice, Luna felt a tear come to her eye as >the face of Artemis faded from the screen. ZOISITE: [Luna] He's hideous! I demand cuteness... WAAA! JADEITE: Either that or Andrew left some onions in the room. > >Three seconds later, the mechanical voice sounded again: MALACHITE: [computer] Shutdown is imminent. Please stand by. ZOISITE: [Luna] I'm afraid I can't do that, HAL. >"Do you wish to use the Central Command operating system >for any other tasks?" It had been programmed to be NEPHLITE: --slow, ineffectual, and easily broken. >efficient, polite, and impersonal - which it was - but now >Luna wished that the system would have a little more of a >heart. JADEITE: Maybe if the Sailors have different souls, then the computer might-- NEPHLITE: Sentient computers? No thank you! > >Sighing, Luna told Central Command, "No. User Luna signs off." >Holding back her tears, the cat jumped from the machine to the >floor, ZOISITE: --and "marked her territory." >then bolted for the door of the arcade. Silently, she faded into >the Tokyo night. JADEITE: As opposed to the Detroit night. MALACHITE: She lives among the creatures of the night... just like Laura Branigan. > >*** >The students gathered that afternoon in the halls outside their >classrooms. NEPHLITE: --just to participate in more dramatic stock footage. >Serena, standing near the back of the cluster of children >that was her class, waited for her turn to see the scores. JADEITE: That seems out-of-character. ZOISITE: I think she has to wait for the right moment to enter full angst mode. >Luna was in her arms, sleeping. She knew that the cat had come >through a long and difficult night... [Malachite laughs quietly.] ZOISITE: Bakayarou. She was just struggling to remember her passwords. >and the fact that the animal was asleep was the only thing that >had convinced Miss Haruna to allow her in. NEPHLITE: Really? Haruna must not be as smart as we thought. JADEITE: [singing] Somebody's knocking... Do me a favor, and let 'em in... > >"Hey, Serena," Melvin said, walking up to her from the front >of the crowd, ZOISITE: Huh? NEPHLITE: So if Melvin approaches Serena from a 78 degree angle, at what time does she attack and kill him? >"It's a good thing that test wasn't the actual high school >entrance test... because I did much worse than I thought." MALACHITE: I find it hard to believe that *he* would get a bad grade. JADEITE: Maybe he's not stereotyped for once. ZOISITE: Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I remember this scene from Maison Ikkoku. >Frowning, he continued, "I don't know your identification >number, so I wouldn't know your score. Sorry." Hanging his >head low, the young man's head was so bent over NEPHLITE: He's bent over. He's bowing. He's stooping. He's making *good use of synonyms*! >that the light was no longer reflecting off his glasses. JADEITE: Does that mean he looked normal? > >Laughing quietly, Serena told her fellow student, "I wouldn't >worry about that. [Zoisite laughs in an evil way.] MALACHITE: Serena's almost sounding normal. It's scary. >You've got most of the class still below you. Even if >someone actually beat you, Melvin, they probably won't show >up in our class." NEPHLITE: Anyone see the "Ami's First Love" special? [They shake their heads "no."] NEPHLITE: Anyway, that line is awfully familiar. I suspect we'll see our genius Sailor soon. > >Serena shrugged her shoulders and looked back at the line. >It was half of what it had been ZOISITE: Huh? Is that more or less? JADEITE: Both and neither. >only a minute ago - things were going her way. MALACHITE: She'll do it... her way. > >Right then, Molly walked to the back of the line. "Sorry that >I'm late," she said in a whisper, "I've had to do a lot of >catch-up work." NEPHLITE: And just a little mustard work. ZOISITE: Catch you catch me! >With her arms hanging down listlessly, JADEITE: Why would her arms have lists? >she glanced at Melvin, and then Serena. > >With the opportunity now available, Serena took one step forward. MALACHITE: Everybody do the hokey pokey! ZOISITE: This is *so* exciting. >"I suppose that makes sense," she said hastily, "Still... >Melvin, did anyone actually do better than you?" NEPHLITE: [Melvin] No, just a mysterious individual named "Mercurious"... > >Putting his right arm around Molly's shoulders, Melvin plainly said, >"Yes. Don't know who, though..." JADEITE: Finish your sentence, young man. MALACHITE: [Melvin] --though I suspect it's another one of those Sailors! Wouldn't surprise me at all! >Without another word, he and Molly looked nervously at Serena, >who had just reached the grade posting sheet. The young man had a >feeling ZOISITE: He's still acting perverted. Keep your "feelings" to yourself! >that his fellow student would have another of her explosive >reactions. JADEITE: Serena needs a self-detonation button. NEPHLITE: She'll go psychotic and destroy the city. > >For a quiet, fleeting moment, the young Tsukino looked at the piece >of paper. Then she turned around, MALACHITE: Did she even *see* her grade? ZOISITE: Like I said, Godai had a rather similar scene. >muttered, "Oh, screw it all," and told Melvin and Molly, >"Let's get the hell out of here. I have better >things to do." JADEITE: Just like Dennis Hopper. MALACHITE: I'm almost sure she's used that line before. Maybe it'll turn up again. >Trying to avoid their stares, she walked briskly >down the hall. > >Halfway towards the door stood a young woman with blue hair. NEPHLITE: We have Sailor alert! Take notice! JADEITE: If she were old, the blue hair wouldn't be unusual. Maybe she used a lot of dye. >She also took a glance at the odd trio, and the cat. >"How fascinating," Amy Anderson told herself, "how very >fascinating." [Zoisite laughs, once again, in an evil way.] NEPHLITE: I can take a Tomoyo with a valley girl attitude, but an evil Amy? No way. >Without a minute's pause, Amy clutched her bookbags close and ran >out of the building. JADEITE: She then set off the alarm. MALACHITE: Japanese schools aren't bad enough to require alarms... as far as we know. Heh. > >*** >Jadeite fell to his knees ZOISITE: Worship thy boss! >as Queen Beryl cleared her throat. His eyes were closed, and his >shoulders were hunched over. All he could do was wait for her to >issue her proclamation. JADEITE: [Beryl] Today shall be a holiday for monsters, civil workers, and banks! NEPHLITE: But not mall employees. >Though a general, and higher than the monsters, MALACHITE: --higher than the monkeys and lower than the angels-- >he had no right to speak unless told to. > >The Queen of the Negaverse slowly rose from her throne, JADEITE: Her porcelain throne. >all the while resting her right hand on the armrest of her chair. >"General Jadeite," she said, falteringly and huskily, MALACHITE: Do those adjectives go together? NEPHLITE: Shut up! >"You have not yet succeeded in beating Sailor Moon, or her counterpart >Tuxedo Mask. ZOISITE: However, he can still beat most pro baseball teams. >Now that it is clear that both of them are against us, do you know >what that means?" JADEITE: [himself] Prepare for trouble, and make it double? NEPHLITE: [same] No salary raise? ZOISITE: [same] No more quiche? MALACHITE: [same] I don't know. Does it mean anything? >She paused for a second, then continued, "We now have three >living enemies. The only thing to be thankful for is that Sailor V >has not actively fought the Negaverse in several weeks. NEPHLITE: She's on vacation. ZOISITE: I hear Addis Ababa's a good spot. >I realize, General, that you have acquired a piece of the Imperium >Silver Crystal without sacrificing any of our monsters. JADEITE: It ain't easy. I can testify to that. >That is not good enough. You *will* go back to your active duty, >and find a way to eliminate our two active foes. MALACHITE: [Jadeite] Who were they again? ZOISITE: [Beryl] D'oh! >See to it that you do not fail me, Jadeite." Letting the last few >words hiss from her mouth, NEPHLITE: --like a broken-down tire. >Beryl sat back down on her throne. > >Without a hint of emotion on his face, Jadeite stood up, saluted, and >teleported to Earth. ZOISITE: Back to Amano-sempai and the annoying girl. Jadeite *is* a general in Gaea. > >*** >"Serena," Melvin said to his friend as they approached the glass >doors of the Crown Arcade, MALACHITE: Why glass doors? That isn't safe. NEPHLITE: On the other hand, they provide huge targets. >"I believe someone's following us." Trying to look casual, he turned >his head to see who was behind them. JADEITE: If you look back, you'll probably run into a pole. I learned that lesson. > >Not terribly interested in paying attention to the strange girl, >Serena checked down at Luna, who was starting to stretch out and >blink her eyes. NEPHLITE: [Luna] Whaddaya want? I need my beauty rest. JADEITE: Serena can hardly go a scene without an insult or angst. >she thought, then looked at the approaching person. To her, this >intruder looked ordinary, ZOISITE: --despite the blue hair... >even though she had a lumpy bag hanging from her right arm. MALACHITE: [Serena] Is that an evolutionary trait or what? Gross! >"Well, good afternoon," she said to the young woman, "Do you want >something of us?" JADEITE: [Amy] What would I like? I'd *like* a trip to Europe... > >Walking up towards Serena, Amy said softly, "Oh, I don't think there's >any need for you to be suspicious. [Nephlite falls over laughing.] MALACHITE: Let's not go into lemon territory. Please. >I just wanted to see what you people are like. Call me JADEITE: --Ishmael. ZOISITE: --Nekomi. MALACHITE: --goddess. >Amy... Amy Anderson. [Nephlite gets back in his chair.] JADEITE: [Amy] Bond. Amy Bond. >I'm trying to get my mind off the mock test right about now. Now, >if you don't mind, I'd like to know something about you." NEPHLITE: There's certainly *something* to know about these warped characters. MALACHITE: [Serena] I'm angsty and I hate everyone. However, I have a different soul in me... though I don't know it. ZOISITE: [Molly] I'm an extra. My mother almost died, but it doesn't seem to affect me. MALACHITE: [Melvin] I seem to be acting normal, and I don't know why. > >"Well, certainly," Molly said, forcing her way into the conversation, >"I'm Molly Osaka. ZOISITE: No relation to Molly Tokyo or Molly Nagasaki. >My score on the mock test was decent... but do you know just who had >the perfect score?" She scratched her hair and tapped her left foot >against the pavement. JADEITE: I think someone's bored. NEPHLITE: I think someone should've done another take on this scene. > >Not even bothering to look at Molly, Amy gruffly said, "I did. ZOISITE: [Amy, snobby] I am *so* good. NEPHLITE: [same] I am so evil. >That's why I don't want to bother thinking about it right now. >I've got better things to do." ALL: What the... JADEITE: She stole that line! >Just as she was about to walk by Serena, Luna jumped from the >Tsukino girl's arms towards Amy. MALACHITE: [Luna] Copyright infringement--how dare you! >Though shocked by this sudden maneuver, Amy caught the cat in >mid-air. ZOISITE: [deep] Nice catch. >"Dear, dear," she said softly, "I believe we need to learn the >principle of safety: never put yourself in danger foolishly." NEPHLITE: [deep] Always remember... to keep out of trouble. MALACHITE: Michiru, how could you? >She then began walking towards the doors of the arcade. > >Walking swiftly to catch up with Amy, Serena stated loudly, JADEITE: [Serena] When I *state* things, you will listen! >"Call me Serena Tsukino. Back there is Melvin Gurio. We're going >into the arcade, too... and I hope you don't mind that we do." NEPHLITE: She's awfully possessive. ZOISITE: Look, Serena, some other people also want to use the arcade... >Opening the door, she walked in first, then gestured to the other >three to follow, leading them like a batallion of troops. JADEITE: Violence? Did someone say violence? ZOISITE: Quick, blame it all on the media! >She waited for each of them to enter, then shut the door behind >Melvin, MALACHITE: No, she should shut it on his face. >who had been the last to enter. They were now inside and together... JADEITE: Just feel that brooding sexual tension. >and now she would show the little genius just who was the better >of the two. NEPHLITE: That hussy... she'll die. > >"Well, friends," Amy said softly and harshly, surveying the group of >three, "I don't know why you're here, but I've come to meet an >acquantance of mine. MALACHITE: Since evil people don't have *friends*. ZOISITE: Even the mighty Amy can spell a word incorrectly! >His name is Greg, and I'd appreciate your patience as I wait for >him." She tapped her right foot on the floor, NEPHLITE: This isn't a ballet studio, young lady. MALACHITE: I wonder... are *all* ballet studios on the second floor? >and looked straight at Serena, awaiting a challenge from her. > >Squeezing her shoulders close to her body, NEPHLITE: Nor is this an exercise clinic! Stop making weird motions! >Serena said, "Oh, you'll have my damn patience soon enough. JADEITE: [Serena] Patience, patience... how long will that take? ZOISITE: [deep] Well, Serena Grubermann... the path of Tai Kwan Leap is a road leading into the horizon... >I challenge you, Miss Anderson, to a game of 'Sailor V.' This is >the one place where I can - and will - kick your sorry ass." [The men stand up and cheer.] MALACHITE: I love the dialogue. It keeps getting better. > >Amy looked at Serena's face nonchalantly, and shrugged. "I think >we'll see about that," she said calmly, and then pointed towards the >game console. JADEITE: Maybe you should plug it in first. >"Please, Serena," she told her new rival, "Sit down and begin your >game." She cautiously walked several steps away from the arcade >machine. NEPHLITE: It's about to explode. Duck and cover! > >As Molly and Melvin watched, Serena strode up to the "Sailor V" game, >put in several small coins, ZOISITE: Huh? Just random coins? MALACHITE: If you use freeze-frame, you can see that she put in two hundred thousand lire, which is the equivalent of 50 cents U.S. >and began her turn. The area around them grew quiet as the young >Tsukino NEPHLITE: I figured that phrase would show up again. ZOISITE: Either that or the not-so-young Tsukino. >pounded the controls in frustration. Six minutes later, her turn >ended in the the middle of the game's third difficulty level. JADEITE: "Difficulty level"? Sounds like someone's never played an arcade game in their life. Unless the Sailor V game has "easy," "normal," and "sadistically hard" settings. >Without a word, Serena then stood up, glared at Amy, and pointed >at the chair. MALACHITE: [Serena, British] Sit, sit! Are you feeling comfortable?! Now... "Little bunny foo foo was walking..." > >"Right... let me try," Amy said quietly. She sat down in the chair, ZOISITE: Look out for the whoopie cushion! >and inserted three coins into the machine. JADEITE: Gotta use those pesos somewhere. >Letting her shoulders hang loosely, she put both of her hands on >the controls and began her turn. Though her finger movements started >out slow, MALACHITE: This is like a sociological analysis of a video game. JADEITE: [Amy] Urge to kill... rising... NEPHLITE: [same] The government says games make me violent. I'll kill them instead! >she built up speed quickly as the game became more difficult. >Amy's knuckles were relaxed, and her elbows dangled in mid-air. NEPHLITE: Ready to slam into anyone who approached her. >She knew that Serena had exerted too much effort in trying to score >well at the game. No, the route for her revenge would be a slow one, ZOISITE: Revenge is a dish best rerouted. >without any of the frenzy and furor Serena had shown during her >turn. As she completed the fourth level, MALACHITE: That's the one where you destroy the Mother Brain by shining a light unto the screen and ducking into the Minus World, therefore causing Lara Croft to lose her clothes. >she laughed quietly. > >Fifteen minutes later, Amy removed her hands from the arcade console. ZOISITE: It contains the third holy secret of Fatima. I'd be careful with it. >She had completed the entire "Sailor V" game... and in record time. As >she turned around and rose from her chair, she saw her three "friends" JADEITE: Once again, quotation marks for sarcasm. >among a large crowd of young people. Knowing that this was not the time >for her to boast, Amy nodded her head ever-so-slightly, MALACHITE: Thud! NEPHLITE: That classifies as a "plob." >and calmly walked back to where Serena, Molly, and Melvin were standing. > >"So..." NEPHLITE: [Serena] So... ZOISITE: [Molly] So... JADEITE: [Melvin] So... >Molly asked, raising her voice above the shouts of the crowd, >"Where's this Greg person?" JADEITE: He fell into a plot hole. > >Amy looked at her wristwatch, and then hit the device with her left >fist. NEPHLITE: [Amy] Out, out, demons of stupidity! > she thought. As >she returned her left hand to her side, she said, "I don't know--he's >probably busy or something. ZOISITE: [Amy] And that's the *whole story*. MALACHITE: [same] What is truth? >Look... I've got to attend computer class at my cram school in >half an hour. Would you mind if I left... right about now?" MALACHITE: Get off the set, quick! >Nodding her head calmly, Molly said, "Not at all." She glanced at >Serena, but her friend's head was still hung low. JADEITE: [Amy] Shame on you, Serena. You should practice good posture! > she thought, pressing her left hand to her forehead, ALL: [Amy] I'm *so* embarrassed. ZOISITE: Goku would be proud. > > >"Excuse me," Melvin said, NEPHLITE: [Melvin] I'm still in this scene, you know. >cautiously walking up towards Amy, "Would you mind if I came along? I've >always wanted to attend one, you see, but I never could. MALACHITE: Despite what you might see in anime, not everyone in Japan is freakin' rich. >So... may I follow you?" He looked all around Amy, but not into her eyes. JADEITE: A-hem. > >Pursing her lips, Amy turned her glance to Melvin. "I suppose," she >flatly said, and turning away from the young man, she announced, ZOISITE: Amy's an important character. She gets to *announce* things. >"Well, I'm off. See you later, Serena." > >His face still set in stone, MALACHITE: Melvin's been turned into a statue! NEPHLITE: Not like I care. >Melvin looked at Molly. "Excuse me," he said plainly, "Would you care >to come?" JADEITE: Do you care to avoid going *there*? MALACHITE: Are you coming? Do you wanna come? Won't you come with me? Come and face your destiny! You've taken so much time to come around. I'm sorry I can't come... ZOISITE: Sounds like the dialogue in Titan AE. >All the while, Serena was standing in Molly's shadow, kicking the imaginary >dust at her feet. NEPHLITE: I just love her ability to act. >Snapping out of her reverie, Molly raised her head and turned towards >Melvin. Letting her left hand drop to her side, she replied, "Yes. >Thank you, Melvin... that's a very good idea." JADEITE: I think someone brain-drained Molly. Again. ZOISITE: Sounds like Terra from Nuke 'Em 'Til They Glow. >Squaring her shoulders, the young woman placed Melvin's right hand in >her left, MALACHITE: [Molly, singing] Put your little hand in mine, there's no hill or mountain we can't climb... JADEITE: Sonny Bono, no!! >and lead him outside the arcade. > >*** >Darien blinked twice ZOISITE: --shocked to actually get a scene. >as he rose from his cot. The light of the sun was coming through his >window, and he was not yet fully awake. NEPHLITE: This is *so* exciting. I'm hoping he'll find a doll in bed with him. MALACHITE: Izumi Morino, no!! >"What has been happening to me?" MALACHITE: You've been ignored. Get used to it. >he quietly asked himself, as his eyes scanned the few wood furnishings >that were in his apartment. Setting his bare feet on the floor, he >whispered, "I'd better be going... ZOISITE: [Darien] If I hurry, I might get a scene! >there's a world waiting out there." Closing his eyes again, he walked >towards the lavatory. ZOISITE: Um... not *that* sort of scene. > >*** >Melvin, Molly, and Amy stood on the sidewalk, staring up at the >concrete-framed building. The edifice stood three stories tall - short >in this neighborhood of high-rises. JADEITE: The unmarked building gets more description than any character so far. NEPHLITE: I'm hoping the building gets a few scenes, too. >Even so, they waited for about a minute there, taking in how the setting >sun bounced off the windows that ran up and down the building. JADEITE: This is ridiculous! MALACHITE: We could've just had an eyecatch. That would have been more entertaining. > >"Not bad," Melvin said quietly, "I really did consider attending a >cram school, but I've been too worried that it would cut into my free >time. ZOISITE: A-hem. MALACHITE: I think we've done the "Melvin is a pervert" bit too much. He must have some other hobbies. >I think Molly did, too... So, does Greg go here?" He looked at >Amy, whose face was calm and contemplative, and whose arms were >swinging slowly from back to front. NEPHLITE: She's trying to start a new dance craze. ZOISITE: With they ratings they get? No chance of that. > >Amy nodded politely. "Yes, he does," she said, "I'm not too surprised >that he didn't come to the arcade, JADEITE: Is she surprised or not? NEPHLITE: No. No. Never. Never. Well, sure, maybe... OK. >because he's probably a better student than I'll ever be." ZOISITE: But will he get a scene? That's more important. >She glanced down at her feet, but her white sneakers were still the same >as ever. "Well... my class is going to start soon. If you've got time, >you can come along. Otherwise, you're not missing much." JADEITE: Are we missing anything by watching this story? MALACHITE: Not really. There's a bunch of "Millionaire" reruns, Drew Carey comedies, and doomed-to-fail adult animation shows, but little else. > >*** >Serena was sitting on a park bench that afternoon, with Luna by her >side. The young woman's hair was hanging over the back of the bench, NEPHLITE: I liked this scene when I first saw it... in the R movie. Back then, even Darien got a few moments on the screen. >and her legs were propped up on the wood. "Luna..." she said gruffly, >pausing for several breaths, ZOISITE: Drama! MALACHITE: Pause, and breathe. Pause, and breathe. Now you can have your own Broadway play. >"Sometimes, I just don't want to keep on living. I couldn't beat Amy >today, and now... now I feel like a bag of shit." JADEITE: Have you ever felt a bag of guano? Do you know what it's like to be a bag of guano? Then don't rip on BAGS OF GUANO!! >Lifting her head slightly, she stared into the horizon, where the sun was >burning with an orange glow. MALACHITE: When in doubt, fill space with stock footage. It worked in Akazukin Chacha. > >The cat looked up at Serena's face, which was pale and unmoving. "You >know, Serena," Luna began, speaking through her teeth, ZOISITE: I wish I knew whether or not cats can do that. >"There is something you can do. One thing I ask of you - NEPHLITE: [deep] That's all the Phantom asks of you... >close your eyes and drift off. From there, I'll take care of everything." >Casting a brief glance at the green bench, she thought, best time... JADEITE: She's right. There's lots of times like the present. NEPHLITE: [singing] Now is the time that we stand together as one... >but Artemis detected evil. Sailor Moon will know what to do - she >always does.> JADEITE: She'll cry, panic, and wait for someone to help out. > >"Right, right," Serena said with a groan. Thrusting her legs out >towards the ground, MALACHITE: Thus killing off a thousand ants or so. >she closed her eyes and waited-- > >Sailor Moon sprang up to her feet. ZOISITE: The stock footage never fails to impress me. MALACHITE: It gives the show more appeal for an increasingly globalized, multicultural audience. And I'm not joking. >"Luna," she enthusiastically asked, "What's the trouble?" NEPHLITE: [Luna] You see, Sailor Moon, nobody knows the trouble I've seen. > >From the bench where she stood, Luna said, "There's trouble at a cram >school in the area. Some... important people are headed there. JADEITE: Such as Elizabeth Taylor, Fred Savage, Jon Lovitz, Toshiro Mifune, Paul Kelly, and Eric Idle. ZOISITE: The animation staff, the webmaster of Toasty Frog, the marketers at Nintendo of America, and Ian Kim. MALACHITE: Don't forget The Rossman, General Tsao, Pocky, and Lisa Ortiz. >Make sure they stay safe." Letting her head hang loosely, she leapt from >the bench to the concrete half a meter below her. ZOISITE: She can do much better than that. JADEITE: I'm hoping Luna makes it to the Sydney Olympics. She can compete against Evil Heero. > >Smiling and saluting the cat, Sailor Moon replied, "Certainly. I >believe I can find the way there. NEPHLITE: [Moon] I shall make the impossible *possible*! >Follow me, Luna!" MALACHITE: I follow him! ZOISITE: [gamemaster] Okay... then your Sailor *also* loses her transforming powers. >From a standing position, she took off running towards the north. A >moment later, the cat followed her. NEPHLITE: Has Luna been gaining weight lately? MALACHITE: No, she just left Artemis for Michael. > >*** >"Good afternoon, class... and visitors," the juku teacher JADEITE: Imagine putting that title on your resume. NEPHLITE: [deep] I worked in a juku for five years. Let me tell you about life in the ghetto... >said, stepping out from behind her podium, "Today I've got some new >program disks for you. ZOISITE: But since she's really a Nega-monster, they contain enough viruses to bring down the whole network. JADEITE: Yeah, they automatically use the DEL *.* command. >I'd like you to try them out on your classwork. According to the >manufacturer, NEPHLITE: Don't believe everything the manufacturer tells you. Besides, who reads the documentation these days? >the programs written on these disks will do calculations faster than the >program on your hard drives." MALACHITE: It's got Blast Processing. ZOISITE: No-one's used "program disks" since the demise of the Apple IIe. >Smiling through its mask, JADEITE: Cool. A *monster* with a mask. NEPHLITE: [monster] I am not Ponpoko! Nor am I Ultraman! ZOISITE: Bakayarou. No more obscure Viz graphic novels for you. >the monster placed six of the disks in the hand of the student at the >end of the first row. ZOISITE: The unnamed student immediately collapsed. MALACHITE: I'd hate to appear in the credits as "Decapitated Student #1." > >Trying her best to whisper, Molly asked, "Sorry to have to ask... but >is this something new, Amy?" JADEITE: [Amy] No, we get highly volatile software every day. >She had taken the seat at the genius' right, while Melvin was at her left. NEPHLITE: Seating order is nice... but I'd prefer a *plot*! > >Taking the a disk from the pile that Melvin gave her, Amy said, "Yes. >In fact, I've never seen anything like this before... JADEITE: [Amy] ...However, I play one on TV. >this program disk doesn't look like it was made of plastic." MALACHITE: How useful can a cardboard disk be? >Frowning, she passed the next disk to Molly. ZOISITE: [Molly] Finally... lunchtime! JADEITE: Right. What-ever. > >"Well, class," the teacher said loudly, "Once you receive your >disk, please begin your work - quietly." NEPHLITE: [monster] Please prepare to die quietly. > >Just then, the door to the classroom slammed open. "No!" Sailor Moon >screamed NEPHLITE: [monster] Hey! I told you to be quiet. >as she rushed inside, "This is a trap - don't use the disks." ZOISITE: They contain subliminal messages telling you to worship the Microsoft staff. MALACHITE: You mean that you *don't*? >She ran to the front of the class, followed by Luna. > >The teacher, still wearing a human mask, JADEITE: I get it now. The monster was wearing a Groucho Marx face. >coughed sharply. "There will be no interruptions in cram school," NEPHLITE: [monster] There will be no plot. There will be no creativity. >it said, "Computers, activate!" ALL: Let's go, Gekiganger! >Just as the monster spoke these words, the computer monitors began to >glow with a bright blue light, JADEITE: That must be the Blue Screen of Death. >and the students' heads were drawn close to the screens. > >Scowling, Sailor Moon shouted, "You wicked monster!" MALACHITE: [Moon] You corporate drone! Prepare to have your treasured beliefs deconstructed, in the name of truth and justice. NEPHLITE: Ah, liberals. I remember them, Malachite. >Seeing the students' eyes close, she continued, "Servant of the >Negaverse... I know who sent you, and what your purpose is. MALACHITE: [Moon] I know who wrote your script! >Give it up, monster! ZOISITE: Franz Kafka, no!! JADEITE: So the rest of the story will be a long, existential diatribe with autobiographical details and incest references scattered throughout? >Your place is not among the humans. If you want a fight, I will give you >one. But you shall not triumph, for MALACHITE: [Moon] --my dialogue goes on *forever*! ZOISITE: I see the stock footage realy does go a long way. >my strength has its roots in my mother's love." JADEITE: Whatever *that* means. > >Laughing rapidly, the monster shed its human mask - NEPHLITE: Jason Voorhees, no! >and a green-skinned, pus-faced humanoid was revealed in its place. MALACHITE: I swear all these monsters are ugly. >"I believe *she* is the one you want to protect," said the monster, as it >lifted Amy's unconscious body from her chair, and threw her towards the >front of the room. JADEITE: --right into some convenient spot where she can spring up again. > >"I see we have a little mess here," said General Jadeite. NEPHLITE: Hello, Jadeite. Haven't seen you on the set lately. JADEITE: [himself] I've been here all along. I just wasn't ready yet. >The appointed one of the Negaverse materialized one meter behind Sailor >Moon, ZOISITE: Did he *measure* it? >and quickly saluted the monster. Trying to react, Queen Serenity's daughter >pivoted a full one hundred and eighty degrees on the heels of her feet, MALACHITE: That's gonna require a good dexterity roll. >and pointed her right hand at Jadeite's grinning face. NEPHLITE: [Jadeite] I smile because I'm evil. >The general stared back at her without blinking, ZOISITE: That takes talent. >absently snapped his left thumb and index finger, and walked right over >Sailor Moon [Jadeite cheers loudly.] MALACHITE: You can't root for yourself. >as she collapsed to the floor. > > Luna thought, running towards Amy, I must bring the soul of Sailor Mercury to life. I'd better not be >too late...> She dashed towards the genius' prone body and whispered >into her left ear, "Amy... Amy Anderson, wake up!" NEPHLITE: [Luna] After you *awaken*, you must fulfill your *obligations* and provoke *the end of the beginning*! ZOISITE: I wonder if anyone will still get that? > >Just as Amy's eyes budged open, the monster giggled. MALACHITE: Just what we need... a lunatic monster. >It turned towards Molly, who was still unconscious behind her computer >screen. As Jadeite slowly, silently nodded in approval, JADEITE: [himself] However, I can still wash my hands of this. NEPHLITE: Jadeite's turning into Gendo Ikari! >the monster threw a razor-sharp sheet of steel at Molly's slumped-over neck. >The creature's shot hit, and the young woman died on impact. Her blood >fell upon the keyboard, and all over her lap. [All remain silent.] > >Focusing her eyes on Amy alone, Luna gruffly said, "Amy, close your >eyes and try not to think. ZOISITE: Try... not... to think... MALACHITE: So *she* got to be Decapitated Student #1. >Things will be better soon." [Suddenly, Nephlite falls to the floor and cries.] >The cat closed her eyes as a few tears fell to the cold, uncarpeted floor. MALACHITE: Nice going. You killed the extra. [Everyone else stays silent.] > >Too confused and aching to question the unfamiliar voice, Amy closed >her eyes for the second time that day. She let her thoughts dissipate >until all was clear-- ZOISITE: This isn't... clear at all... > >Jadeite held a crystal fragment - Molly's fragment - NEPHLITE: You BASTARD!! MALACHITE: I'd normally say something about Dark Schneider, but... >tightly in his two hands. "We should have begun searching for the Imperium >Silver Crystal earlier. Ah, but the loss of one monster is equal to two >fragments in my hands. ZOISITE: He is *evil*. Not evil in a good way, evil in a bad way. MALACHITE: A monster in the bush is worth two in the hand. >Thank you, monster. JADEITE: Thank you, Stainmaster. >Now let us ensure that Sailor Moon does not get up again. Come, monster, >and take-" The general stopped giving his order when he heard a loud, >wordless yell. ZOISITE: It's the audience. They didn't like that scene. >"Is there something wrong here?" he asked to anyone who would hear, NEPHLITE: [muttered] Yes, something is wrong... MALACHITE: Are you ready to get off the floor now? >as he walked in a half-circle to face the source of the noise. > >"I am Sailor Mercury," said the blue-haired warrior, JADEITE: [Mercury] I'm your worst nightmare. >who bore the same bruises she had received as Amy. ZOISITE: Of course. Duh. >Leaping in front of Sailor Moon, and setting her face in a grimace, Sailor >Mercury hissed, "Die." [Everyone except Nephlite cheers.] >Without pausing, she screamed again, and threw a barrage of bubbles at >the two villains. JADEITE: At least that'll get the carpet clean. > >As the monster was quickly sealed within the blast of bubbles, Jadeite >turned his sweat-coated face away. MALACHITE: [Jadeite] I'm *so* embarrassed. > he said to himself as his arms shook, have a chance to profit.> NEPHLITE: [muttered] Bastard... always thinking about money... >Not bothering to look at Sailor Mercury, he teleported himself back to the >Negaverse. By the time the bubbles reached Jadeite, his body had faded >away to the perpendicular plane. ZOISITE: "Perpendicular" indeed! We all know it's at a right angle to the real world. MALACHITE: Huh? > >Meanwhile, Luna was kneeling beside Sailor Moon, her front right paw >pressed against the young woman's neck. JADEITE: Which young woman? MALACHITE: [Luna] I could've sworn I left one somewhere around here... > Luna >figured. Hesitatingly, she said to her first chosen one, "Sailor Moon... >are you there? JADEITE: Does that question have a valid answer? ZOISITE: [Luna] Can you hear me? Can you feel me near you? >Wake up." > >With the monster stuck in its tracks, Melvin still unconscious, MALACHITE: Ah... he never wanted a scene anyway. >Sailor Mercury fixated on the temporarily imprisoned foe, and Luna >waiting for Sailor Moon to return to consciousness, there was a moment >of silence. ZOISITE: This isn't dramatic. It's sh**. > >Then Sailor Moon shifted her head a centimeter to the right. "Luna?" >she whispered. JADEITE: Mr. Papacha? ZOISITE: Cale? Cale! MALACHITE: *Kotori!!* > >"Welcome back, Sailor Moon," Luna said softly, "We need you to finish >off a monster. Your friend Sailor Mercury has other business to attend >to. JADEITE: She's got a lemonade stand. >So, if you can still get up..." A calm smile creased the cat's face. > >Breathing hard, the heir to Queen Serenity's kingdom stood up. >"Mercury," she said ZOISITE: [Moon] Ford. Chrysler. Nissan. Honda. Yugo! >deliberately, pointing to Melvin, "help that young man. Thank you very >much." Letting her shoulders relax, MALACHITE: Shoulders play an important role in this story. >she removed her headpiece, and fired it at the monster. ZOISITE: [Moon] Magical... shoot! >The creature did not fall when it was struck, but instead burst into a >column of blue fire. NEPHLITE: [muttered] Burn... burn... burn Hollywood burn... >Sailor Mercury, on the other hand, checked Melvin's pulse on his neck. >"There's not much I can do," she said, bowing her head slowly, "He may >go into shock soon. JADEITE: Good thing her mother's a doctor. MALACHITE: It's too late for the audience. >We need to find someone else who can help him." > >Luna nodded in agreement. "Exactly, Sailor Mercury. Now, if you will, >close your eyes and try not to think..." ZOISITE: As previously stated. > > > > [pause] MALACHITE: I can't believe I survived! JADEITE: Now *that* was painful. [pause] ZOISITE: Who wants to drag Nephlite out of the theater? >-- >Brief Notes: ZOISITE: Oh, well. I can wait another minute. JADEITE: [cheery] And now it's time to talk about what we've learned today. >I'd like to thank every one of my readers for waiting. >This one wasn't easy to write - it took several last-minute plot >twists to get it off the ground. [Nephlite mutters something unintelligible.] >Even a thunderstorm and Notepad crashing couldn't keep me from >finishing this. Yes, I'm definitely continuing on towards Chapter 4. MALACHITE: Who will it be today? Find out... next time! >Since I've got two other ongoing projects, though, it'll be a >couple of weeks at the least. JADEITE: Don't worry. I need a vacation. > >Disclaimers: "Sailor Moon," its characters, and all indicia thereof ZOISITE: What's an indicia? MALACHITE: It's sort of like an indicator, only plural. >are copyrights of DiC Communications and various others. "Bishoujo >Senshi Sailormoon," JADEITE: --for all you obnoxious fanboys-- >its characters, and all indicia thereof are copyrights of Takeuchi >Naoko, Kodansha Comics Ltd., and various others. ZOISITE: The "various others" are the only ones who make money. >This fanfic was finished on November 10, 1998 by John Alan >Riggs, commonly known as Alan or I.N.T.O. > >-Alan / I.N.T.O. (I'm Not The Otaking) MALACHITE: I'd make an Audio Adrenaline reference, but only two people would get it. > >www.geocities.com/athens/parthenon/7331/> ZOISITE: Did you know that you can get a Geocities page just by selling your soul? MALACHITE: Be quiet. Besides, I think it's over. > > > > > JADEITE: Right. I'll take Nephlite with me. ZOISITE: I'll open the doors for you... [They leave.] -- "I'm so depressed," Malachite said, as he sat down by the card table, "I am so, so depressed." Jadeite passed by his PC and took a seat on the floor. "I'm also depressed... but I'm exhausted as well," he said, "Do you know how much Nephlite weighs? Because I'd like to know as well..." Meanwhile, Nephlite's semi-conscious body lay on the floor. The general had a bad case of swirly-eyes, but he seemed to be going back into consciousness. "Before we do anything else," Zoisite said as she took a chair for herself, "I think we should purge the fanfic out of our systems. I have a brilliant way to do that." They all paused to glance at her. "What?" the conscious ones asked. She smiled, and continued, "Follow my example. I, Zoisite, being of a sane mind, hereby swear to stop complaining about the adaptations of anime TV shows. Furthermore, I shall find something worthwhile to present to non-fans, and I shal not be ashamed if they don't get it." Jadeite quietly groaned. "I have nothing to do with this," he told her. He then crossed himself. "Right, right," Malachite said, "I, Malachite, being allegedly of a sane mind, hereby swear to restrain my perverted comments. If by any chance I should continue as I am, I hereby allow myself to be repeatedly clobbered by my fellow generals." They didn't speak for a moment. Out of morbid curiosity, Jadeite asked, "I wonder what Nephlite will say?" This provoked Malachite to grin widely. "Suspense!" he shouted. -- NEXT TIME: Cry for Help chapter 5-6. Fight on, Gundam! -Alan June 23, 2000 e-mail: ChrOtaku@xoommail.com Nega-Hell: fanficoutlet.tripod.com/negahell Elfquest spoofs: eq_addiction.tripod.com (soon to be updated) "Sailor Moon," and everything associated with it, is copyright 1992-2000 Naoko Takeuchi, Bandai, Kodansha Comics, DiC, Buena Vista, Mixx, Pioneer, and others. The idea of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyright 1989-99 Best Brains, Inc. Feel free to distribute this fanfic/MSTing, but please don't remove my name from it, and don't try to make money off it. Stinger: >"Is there something wrong here?"