--Alan -- The Sailor Moon story that makes all others seem strangely interesting and competent. In this installment... religious esoterica! ##################################################### MST: Transformation Sequence, chapter 4 Original and treatment by Alan ##################################################### "And now..." "The skit you've all been waiting for..." Nephlite interrupted his comrade: "Patiently waiting for, doubtless." "What-ever," Jadeite said nonchalantly. "The *mullet* skit!" Zoisite shouted. She hit the light switch. The throne room filled with yellow light. As the generals simultaneously oohed and aahed, Zoisite walked down the red carpet with a shaggy brown mullet on her head. "Fashion! Only the best in rural Canadian fashion!" she said. The others applauded loudly. *** "Good afternoon, radical dreamers," Beryl said. Holding a large mug of coffee, she asked the generals, "What's been taking you people so long to recover?" "Don't ask. Just don't," Jadeite said. He slumped down on his computer. She blinked. "I suppose I won't," the queen replied. "Most of it involves a lack of caffeine," Zoisite said. Her eyes glowed an unnatural, unhealthy red. "No rest for the weary. You've wasted too much time on other projects. It's time to get back to Transformation Sequence." Nephlite groaned loudly. "Oh, goody. I can hardly wait." Immediately, Beryl told him, "You won't have to wait long. GO!" The theater door quickly opened. In a flash of light, Beryl ducked behind her protective barrier. "That *was* fast," Jadeite said. He stood up and shut down his computer. "Are you ready? 'Cause I am not," Malachite told the others. Zoisite patted him on the back. "Such a pity," she said in her best sarcastic tone. Without another word, the generals slouched their way to the theater. -- The fool in the eyes of the door sequence: #6: A shower of ice crystals. #5: An elevator door, opening to nothing but blackness. #4: A prison gate, barred by thick chains. Falls apart. #3: A waterfall. The camera pans outwards. #2: A television screen, which sizzles and explodes. #1: A highway leading down to HELL! -- [The four enter the small theater. The seating order is--as one should surmise--from left to right: Jadeite, Malachite, Nephlite, and Zoisite.] > >"Transformation Sequence" Chapter 4: The Outcast MALACHITE: An outcast? Such as the only person who refuses to wear a mullet? >By Alan > >[Pre-Notes: NEPHLITE: Even *before* we can get to the notes. JADEITE: This story couldn't get any more confusing. >#1... Unlike the last three chapters, I wrote >nearly all of this on *paper* first. That will hopefully >turn this story from total crap to minor excrement. MALACHITE: Oh, I get it. Because it's written on paper... ZOISITE: Don't make me ill again. >#2... This chapter is dedicated to Nightbreak of SVAM fame. I >ish that the two of us could agree on issues, NEPHLITE: Issues! >bt until that time, I must be the bearer of insults. ZOISITE: Whatever *that* means. >#3... If you missed the past three chapters, you can find >hem on my wbsite, >http://www.geocities.com/athens/parthenon/7331/into.html>. >ou're not missing much, though.] JADEITE: Just stay away from Geocities. They are the devil! MALACHITE: How dare you call them the devil? You're excluding Microsoft, Wal-Mart, and Sony! > >Jadeite knelt on the ice-cold ground, his eyes closed, his >hands pressing against the dry stone, and his ears echoing >with the sound of nothing. MALACHITE: What *is* the sound of nothing? NEPHLITE: I love the sound of nothing in the morning. It sounds like victory. >A mere three meters away from him sat Queen Beryl, staring at >her blue fingers, saying not a word, but merely biding time. ZOISITE: [Beryl] Gotta waste time, gotta waste time... no-one's making any money but me... >The ruler of the Negaverse cast a momentary glance at the two >crystal fragments lying beside her throne, JADEITE: Hey, those weren't easy to get. She should do more than leave them in the corner. NEPHLITE: She's rich. She can get away with it. >then lazily turned her eyes towards her general. "Jadeite," >she said dryly, "you have lost me another monster... ZOISITE: Is that going to be another paycheck cut? >and you allowed another Sailor to return to life. That was >sloppy work, General. We have five more pieces to collect. MALACHITE: [Beryl] Yes... I will catch them all! Nya ha ha... ZOISITE: Catch me catch you... >As you continue your search, you will find a way to lure and >trap them." MALACHITE: I suggest candy. Then try money. > >The queen paused for a moment. Still training her eyes on >Jadeite, she nodded in approval, for he did not move. JADEITE: [himself] Her eyes... paralyzing me! >"Now... your next mission shall be to infiltrate a small >locale in Tokyo called Cherry Hill Temple. NEPHLITE: It's the place marked by a red dot on the map. JADEITE: I always assumed those were McDonalds or car rental places. >There is a person who will soon visit this Shinto institution, >and I believe they may bear another fragment of the Imperium >Silver Crystal. ZOISITE: Geez... how many pieces does this thing have? NEPHLITE: More than the jewel from Inu-Yasha. And that's a lot. >You will find them, kill them on identification, and ALL: --make them into a fluffy quiche! >bring the piece back to me. Now, Jadeite, I give you permission >to leave my presence." Breathing out, she set her two feet >down on the floor. ZOISITE: --crushing the fragments into dust. MALACHITE: We are not worthy to wash the feet of the great Beryl! >Standing up with a start, Jadeite teleported himself, even >as his head was bowed in shame. NEPHLITE: Deep shame... he must've been hanging around Goku a lot. > >*** >Serena counted the cracks in the sidewalk as she stepped >over them. Her cat Luna was by her side, JADEITE: Ah, faithful sidekick Luna. She endures so much crap. NEPHLITE: I wish I had my own Luna. >but the young woman's mind was elsewhere. Her eyes fixated on the >endless path of gray pavement, she told herself, is it? ZOISITE: It's not useful. It's just one of her hobbies. JADEITE: On the other hand, it gives her something to spend time and energy on. And she can post to message boards things like "The sidewalk on Fox Kids network SUXXXX!!!" >Molly is gone, and I don't want Melvin's attention. ZOISITE: I want Melvin's attention! We need comic relief. >I have no friends left - no one to take pity on me. How >many more reasons do I need to end it all?> MALACHITE: Don't give a reason for life, Serena. > >As the young woman's face clenched into a grimace, JADEITE: Huh? She was attacked by a Sesame Street character? NEPHLITE: I don't see why not. >she stopped in her tracks. Someone was watching her - and >worse yet, the person was Amy. ZOISITE: Please don't add voyeurism into this. That's the last thing we need. MALACHITE: Stupid... video camera... stupid Tomoyo... >Slowly lifting her head, Serena faced the young woman, and >said, "You have defeated me, Anderson. NEPHLITE: What? Someone defeated the invincible Serena? >Feel free to take my life, and do whatever >you wish with me." MALACHITE: That could be vaguely amusing. Heh. ZOISITE: No, it won't be. >Serena's arms lay relaxed and free of >motion, and her legs were locked together at the ankles. JADEITE: Leg locks. Those are vicious. > >Amy's left hand was wrapped around the damp steel pole of >a bus stop post, NEPHLITE: Is the fic trying to tell us something? MALACHITE: Stupid voyeurism... stupid symbolism... >but she placed her right hand to her >chin. she thought. [Malachite bursts into tears.] ZOISITE: Sick puppy Amy! This is worse than Haruka and Michiru. >Looking back into Serena's blank, dilated eyes, Amy said, >"If you're curious, all I'm doing is waiting for a bus. JADEITE: I guess another one won't be riding the bus. NEPHLITE: Maybe not. She might take the magic bus to see Tommy. It's something that her generation does. >Really, as much as I'd like to play God with you, I've >got classes at cram school to worry about. ZOISITE: [Amy] Besides, I'd rather play Holy Spirit. >My parents would rather appreciate that I keep going there, >in spite of all the construction they've had to do in the last >week or so." NEPHLITE: That you, professor Exposition. ZOISITE: Who was working on the construction project, David Hodo? [Malachite ceases crying.] > > Luna >thought, all the while staring at Amy's perfectly >white tennis shoes, JADEITE: She got those from Dr. J. The rocket launchers were extra. >more notice from the minions of the Negaverse.> MALACHITE: What do you need, publicity? ZOISITE: She's just waiting for a jury duty notice. > >As Serena uneasily shifted her weight to her right foot, >she heard a siren go off in the distance. JADEITE: There's crime in the big city. Luckily, ace detective Serena Tsukino is on the case. >Stepping cautiously over Luna, she put her right hand to her >forehead ALL: D'oh!! >and stared as far as she could down the street. >"Looks like a police car's coming," she said nonchalantly. NEPHLITE: Good call. How much do they pay you? MALACHITE: Never enough for good acting. > >Letting go off the bus stop post, Amy replied, "I've been >here for five minutes, and that car will the third one to >come by. Something odd is going on... ZOISITE: Right. Slow traffic always makes me suspicious. NEPHLITE: Where are they, a major street or a back alley? >and if I know my directions, they're all turning at the street >that leads to Cherry Hill Temple." MALACHITE: [Amy] Not that it's important or anything. It just happens to be in the script. >Shifting her gaze back to the street, she did not cover her ears >as the vehicle blazed by. JADEITE: Blazing vehicles... Blazing Saddles! [gruff] Drop it or the n***** gets it! > >*** ZOISITE: Speaking of asterisks... >Leaning with her right palm against the wall, Raye Hino >peered through the window to the world outside of Cherry >Hill Temple, the world outside her prison. MALACHITE: Nice metaphor. NEPHLITE: All we need is the moon inside the darkness, and it'll be perfect. >She saw the young, blond-haired man standing on the steps >of the shrine - the latest person that her grandfather >had "hired." NEPHLITE: Nice "sarcasm." JADEITE: But if it's sarcastic, then what did Grandpa do? Did he let Jadeite work for free? Is he a slave? Is there collusion going on? Tell us! MALACHITE: Too late. >As a frown creased her face, she averted her gaze from the >window. Without a word, Raye turned her back on the view >outside, pulled her frail wooden chair ZOISITE: Naturally, the ancient Peruvian furniture. NEPHLITE: I wonder if she bought it at Ikea? >away from the black desk that faced a white wall, and sat down. > >For a second, the young woman paused. ZOISITE: Sit. Pause. This isn't getting any more exciting. >Then she lifted the chair up from under her, and pulled herself >close to the desk. Her shoulders tilted forward MALACHITE: Okay... I think we can skip this part. JADEITE: The author's trying to give us Important Narration. We should be listening. >as she opened the first drawer, the one that was only two >centimeters below the top of the desk. Pulling it out by the >copper hinge, JADEITE: This is really, *really* important. It all figures into the ironic finale. >Raye slowly breathed the dusty, dry air. Ignoring the eyes she >felt watching her, NEPHLITE: I thought Amy wasn't here. Then again, I didn't think she was into voyeurism. >she reached into the open drawer and >grabbed the thick black-covered book that lay inside. ZOISITE: Insert random product plug here. MALACHITE: "Black-covered book"? That means it's covered by rugby players from New Zealand? >She set the book on the desk, and hastily shut the desk >drawer, igniting an explosion of dust. JADEITE: Remember, this adds to the all-important atmosphere. ZOISITE: I'd like to show someone what atmosphere can *really* do... >Clenching her teeth, she read the title, imprinted in the >thin leather cover with gold inlay, to reassure herself: "New >Testament..." NEPHLITE: Heero was looking for one. Has Raye been stealing things from hotel rooms? > >Closing her eyes, Raye lowered her head. MALACHITE: The cow isn't here. He's inside her head. >Her arms now propped up on the desktop, she whispered, "God >help me... I'm all alone, even though I know I'm not. JADEITE: [Raye] I'm surrounded by idiots. NEPHLITE: I'm sure she can get a little sympathy. >They've surrounded me, and now I'm afraid that they want to take >my life." ZOISITE: This is such a generic conspiracy. MALACHITE: I wonder if she's being attacked by the CBLDF? >She did not open her eyes for a full minute. > >*** >Jadeite set his broom on the ground. It fell to the stone >floor with a quiet crash. Peering to his right and left, JADEITE: Look left, look right, then go on the green light. Oh, and be sure to stop, drop, and roll. MALACHITE: But preserve your supply of commas. >he saw that no one was watching him, that no one cared >for his life. It was time for him to go to work. NEPHLITE: [Jadeite] I'll write the great American novel, and I'll be done by lunch. > >Leaving his broom and pan, he cautiously walked over to a >small altar that was set just inside the shrine. JADEITE: The security around here is suspiciously bad. They should have a few videocameras ready. ZOISITE: Oh, relax. Who'd commit a murder at a shrine? >The general smiled at what he saw - a young woman, by herself, >in deep contemplation. MALACHITE: [Jadeite as Joe Saeba] Nookie! >Jadeite thought, placing his two cold hands together, another bearer of a crystal fragment. Yet... she is at >prayer. [All groan.] ZOISITE: Right... it's one thing to take scenes from mass- market crap like Fushigi Yuugi, but it's another thing to steal from time-honored literature. NEPHLITE: Jadeite *is* Hamlet, prince of the Negaverse! >And she is the very image of Zoisite. [They groan again.] >Dare I kill her?> For a few seconds, he simply looked at the >motionless woman. JADEITE: Ooh, babe material. MALACHITE: [deep] "Fanservice," I said to myself, "I need more fanservice!" >enemy comes to destroy us. I might as well take this moment to >do evil while it can be done,> ZOISITE: Relax! Do evil! MALACHITE: This announcement was brought to you by the Council of National Evildoers. >he reminded himself. > >With a simple shake of his right hand, JADEITE: Shake, shake. How'd I roll snake eyes? ZOISITE: [Solt and Peppor] Shake it!! >the young woman fell to the floor, already dead. NEPHLITE: [dumb] I wouldn't talk. You're already dead. MALACHITE: This product plug was brought to you by the National Organization of Dumb Anime. >Jadeite then lifted the same hand towards the sky, and the >Imperium Silver Crystal's third fragment flew out of her chest ZOISITE: [deep] "Utena references," I said to myself, "this needs more Utena references!" >and towards his outstretched arm. "Now," he whispered, glowering >down at the body, "I should clean up this mess." NEPHLITE: It would suck to be obsessed about neatness and be a serial killer at the same time. > >*** >"Greetings, Melvin," JADEITE: [Melvin] Where am I? What am I doing here? Where's my paycheck? ZOISITE: He should team up with Darien and fight for better wages. >Amy said to the young man as she saw >him walking beside her, "If I may ask... why precisely are >you going this way?" MALACHITE: Because that's where the sidewalk goes? JADEITE: [Melvin] The dub of the sidewalk SUXXX!!! >She smiled wryly, for he looked a bit short of breath. > >Melvin, after casting a long glance at Serena - ZOISITE: Right... Now we've finally set the scene. It would help to know where they are, what time it is, and why we should care. >whose face was set straight ahead - told Amy, "I had some >activities to finish up. NEPHLITE: And since this is Melvin, we don't want to know what sort of activities. MALACHITE: He was helping out Toasty Frog in its time of need! >If you didn't know, I'm in my school's >cooking club, JADEITE: Cooking club? Ha ha! [The others join him in laughing.] >and we had to--" > >Stopping in her tracks, NEPHLITE: Serena's car stalled on the railroad tracks. Amy pulled her out and they were safe, but she went running back. After the funeral, they say Serena's homecoming ring was in her hand... >Amy turned forty-five degrees and >looked right into Melvin's eyes. Slowly, abruptly, she >said, "The *cooking* club? JADEITE: Ha, ha! >I... I never would have thought!" She pressed her front teeth >together - for to say more might compromise her social status. [All cease laughing.] ZOISITE: Uh-huh... I'm sure that not everyone has the powerful and respected social status that Amy Anderson does. > >"Anyway..." Melvin said, laughing and scratching his head, MALACHITE: This is the right time for an "Oro..." >"Let's keep on walking. As I was going to say: just as I >got out of school, someone told me about the situation at >Cherry Hill Temple. JADEITE: What's happening at Cherry Hill Temple? NEPHLITE: There was a break-in. There was a cover-up. There was eighteen minutes of silence. >He said the police are heading there >because a tour bus disappeared right outside it... ZOISITE: The bad guys hid it in an underground shelter. Nobody will suspect a thing. >and this apparently isn't the first time that such an >incident's happened. The person's name was Shields, JADEITE: I thought he wasn't allowed to show up today. ZOISITE: I thought his family name was Chiba two chapters ago. NEPHLITE: You actually remember things like that? >I think - take it or leave it." MALACHITE: Maybe we should just leave it. >He raised his voice with the >last few words, for another police car had passed by. > >Amy, already tiring of this conversation, MALACHITE: [Amy] I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. NEPHLITE: Coffee break on the set, now! >looked at Serena, and asked her politely, "If you don't mind >telling us... what club or clubs are you in, Serena?" JADEITE: The necrophilia club. ZOISITE: The quilting club. You'd be amazed. NEPHLITE: The Alanis club. Naturally, she's the last one left in it. > >Deftly stepping over one of the sidewalk's many cracks, >Serena lifted up her head and looked towards Amy and >Melvin. JADEITE: She stoops to look upon the little ones! There is silence in heaven! >"Since you asked," she said hoarsely, "I'm in the >fan-drawn comics club, and NEPHLITE: [Serena] --I really *love* Gundam Wing, don'cha know? ZOISITE: [same] ...first Gourry and Vrumagan, then Shinji and Kaoru, then Squall and Seifer... And there'll be a girl who looks just like me! MALACHITE: [same] I met this girl named Yu Watase. I think she'll go far. >I'm involved with the literature club." MALACHITE: Yes, but what sort of literature? We're dying to know. >Sighing, she tightened her jaw and asked, "Miss >Anderson... would you care to say if Greg is in a club?" JADEITE: [Amy] I don't care! Go away. >The young woman placed her arms by her sides, and let them >hang down like bars of iron. MALACHITE: Steel bars wrapped all around her! She's been his prisoner since the day he found her... >Amy paused for a moment to take the new information in. JADEITE: Processing... processing... >Now that Serena had confessed her interest in doujinshi, >perhaps she could make something of that, NEPHLITE: Don't. For the sake of the world, don't! MALACHITE: Since when have you cared for the world? >should their relationship come to push-and-shove. ZOISITE: I get it. She's talking about Utena fan-drawn comics. >Glancing first at Serena, then at Melvin, she stated, "Greg, >sadly, does not attend Crossroads. MALACHITE: Take that, Greg! Stop contributing to the plot. >However, he is active in a club at my old school - JADEITE: Amy is *so* old school. ZOISITE: Hey, stop stealing Malachite's puns. >to be exact, the HTML club." > >"Interesting!" Melvin replied. NEPHLITE: Only he would find this interesting. >"By the way, Amy," he asked, "could you give me his website's >URL?" JADEITE: Actually, Greg's still learning how to upload files. MALACHITE: He sold his soul to Geocities and lost his brain in the process. >The young man slowed down his pace as he sighted the steps >of Cherry Hill Temple. MALACHITE: [singing] Let me take you down to Cherry Hill... where nothing is real, nothing to get hung about... > >After another brief pause, Amy said, "Maybe later, Melvin. >In any case, we're here... JADEITE: And now back to our story in progress. ZOISITE: *Slow* progress. >so perhaps we should worry more >about what's going on at this place." She gave a long, >pronounced sigh, and walked towards the steep stone >staircase. MALACHITE: In the next few years, Amy kept asking herself "How could I fall upstairs?" as the doctors performed the reconstructive surgery... JADEITE: Lesson for the day--never drink Snapple from the bottle. > >*** >Darien stood alone by the bus stop. ZOISITE: Ho-hum. This is his one scene, and he's still not going to do anything. >He looked to his right and then to his left, MALACHITE: Stop, drop, and roll! Cross at the green light! >but saw nothing except for the road, >the cars, and the random people - no one cared for his >life. NEPHLITE: As previously stated. > >The young man stared at the ground in front of him. Today, >the pavement was damp - ALL: [Melvin] The Nelvana version of the pavement SUXXXXX!!! >apparently, rain had fallen while he had slept. To his >surprise, a bus suddenly pulled up to the curb. MALACHITE: Guess who's at the wheel? Derek Webb! JADEITE: I thought he was a bus driver in Houston. > he >thought, tapping his right foot, ZOISITE: Transformation Sequence has many toe-tapping melodies. It sends me down memory lane. JADEITE: Too bad Darien sings nothing but show tunes... >carried out.> MALACHITE: What orders? NEPHLITE: He had to deliver a pizza to a sewer at 5:30, film a scene with Rei-kun at 6, deliver a message to Dr. Who at 7, prevent Ragnarok by 7:45, and still get to the dentist by 9. >Stepping inside the vehicle, he looked up at the driver, >hoping to catch the person's glance. ZOISITE: Like he'll ever get human contact! > >"Excuse me, good customer," the driver said, slowly turning >her body JADEITE: Now that's a surprise. MALACHITE: A woman driving a bus? Preposterous! >towards Darien, "Do you have--" > >Quickly walking up the steps, Darien pulled the lever that >controlled the door. MALACHITE: Unbelievable. He did something. NEPHLITE: [Darien] Now I drive my magic bus... >Looking down at the unconscious >driver, he whispered, "I must do this... for the >fulfillment of my destiny." ZOISITE: Deep. Pretentious. I like it. > >*** >Serena, leading the pack of three, JADEITE: The Rat Pack? NEPHLITE: No, this is just your average pack of three. JADEITE: I once bought a three-pack of comic books... >was the first to see the short man standing by the top >of the staircase. MALACHITE: Hey, it's Cherry from Urusei Yatsura. ZOISITE: No way. It's Happosai. NEPHLITE: I think it's the old man from Xenon. What was his name again? ZOISITE: Only you actually read that comic. >"Greetings," she said coldly, looking down on his wrinkled >face, "Are you connected to the operation of Cherry Hill >Temple?" JADEITE: [Grandpa] Wanna see my Cherry Hill? MALACHITE: Cherry Hill forever! >From behind her, she heard the footsteps of her >companions, as they finished their ascent. NEPHLITE: [Amy] Today we began our ascent up Mount Everest. They told us it was madness to continue. But I told them to shove off or go without their pay... > >The elderly man smiled broadly. "Indeed. I am the chief >priest. Call me ZOISITE: No more perverted Grandpa jokes, guys. JADEITE: Would you prefer Charlie Chan jokes? >Mr. Hikawa if you want - or call me just >about anything else you want! ZOISITE: I shouldn't have said anything. I give up. NEPHLITE: [Yotsuya] H-h-high school girls!! >Now that you're all here," he said loudly as the trio gathered >together, "We're looking for... some new employees here. MALACHITE: Ah, we finally made it to the Blue Seed auditions. >Would either of you young women care to sign up?" > >Just as Amy put her right hand halfway up, NEPHLITE: [Amy] Fame... fortune... money... I want it all! ZOISITE: [Grandpa] That's nice. Next! >a young woman, dressed in a blue sweater and jeans, ZOISITE: You can tell Raye's good. She has fashion sense. Just as long as she doesn't succumb to the Hitomi Rule... MALACHITE: The "Hitomi rule"? ZOISITE: It says that even if a girl is intelligent and non-stereotyped, she'll wear a sailor suit ninety percent of the time. >walked towards the old man from behind him. She knocked him >upside the head with both of her hands. JADEITE: Can I do the same? >Coughing sharply, she looked at the visitors, and said, "Excuse >us. This is my grandfather, NEPHLITE: [Grandpa] This is my marketing scheme... MALACHITE: [Raye] RAYE MEGA-PUNCH! >and he is searching for someone to take my place, NEPHLITE: Especially after she hung herself *and* fell from a high place... ZOISITE: Shush! No more religious esoterica. >for I have adopted a new system of beliefs. In any event, I am >Raye Hino, assistant janitor of Cherry Hill Temple. MALACHITE: It's a tough job. But at least she isn't in the... cooking club... [He laughs out loud.] >Greetings, friends." Raye then bowed, letting her eyes fall >shut. > > Luna thought, JADEITE: [Luna, British] Most curious, Serena! >even as she breathed hard, unawakened Sailor. MALACHITE: They're scattered all over the landscape. It's like the treasures in Azure Dreams. ZOISITE: Huh? >Still... something evil is about. We really must conduct >our investigation.> ZOISITE: If you wake up in a bathroom in uptown Chicago, you learn how to conduct an investigation. NEPHLITE: Never fear! Luna is on the job. >Trying to look inconspicuous, she purred. > >Keeping her face set in stone, NEPHLITE: She accidentally killed her brother in a hunting accident, and she was afraid to tell her parents. Serena Tsukino *is* the Stone Girl. MALACHITE: What on Nega-Hell are you talking about? >Serena replied, "Greetings to you, Miss Hino. But allow us to cut >to the point: our objective here is to ZOISITE: --bore the audience across the globe. >find out why several tour buses have vanished. JADEITE: They got lost in the Woodfield parking lot. I don't blame them. >Since you are connected to the temple, we figured >that you might know something of these incidents." MALACHITE: She wasn't in on Roswell. She didn't know anything about Huxley, Lewis, or Kennedy. She remained unaware of the Black Moon crisis. She didn't ever hear about the landing on Sky Dragon Island. > >Raye, looking just as somber and sober as Serena, JADEITE: I take that as a bad sign. ZOISITE: The world could not endure through another Serena Tsukino. >clenched her right hand into a fist, and said, "I know nothing. ZOISITE: [Raye] I am Error. NEPHLITE: A Zelda II reference? How eccentric. >In fact... I wouldn't be surprised if *you* had something to >do with this, Grandpa," she continued, MALACHITE: Want someone to blame? Blame Grandpa! He knows everything and everyone. >raising her voice to a shrill level, "Yes, I believe you may >have two horns hidden atop your head. NEPHLITE: Insert all-too-obvious pun here. MALACHITE: The "horn" symbolizes strength. What sort of strength? I don't know. >Your mischief has gone just a tad >too far. Should I touch your horns? JADEITE: Should I let this slide? NEPHLITE: I think she's referrring to obscure religious symbolism. Wait a minute, and maybe she'll explain it. >Would that help? Or do you deny your connection to these >events?" she asked, ZOISITE: I deny *all* connections to this. >all but yelling at the small man. > >"Enough!" yelled Melvin, JADEITE: What happened to him? Where did the lame, sniveling Melvin go? MALACHITE: Out the door, and straight to the unemployment office. >stepping in front of Serena. Pointing in Raye and Mr. Hikawa's >direction with his left hand, he said, "Just tell us what >you know. NEPHLITE: [Melvin] I want the truth. MALACHITE: Truth? Nobody cares about truth these days. >We didn't come to stir up hostilities, only to get >information. Now, Mr. Hikawa, can you help us?" ZOISITE: [Melvin] Or if not... I'll have to introduce you to Otacon. >Having said this, the young man >took a quick glance towards Serena. She was far enough >away that he was not stepping on her toes, MALACHITE: Melvin happened to be wearing combat boots that day... >but he feared stepping on her ego. ALL: We all do. > >After a moment's glare at Raye, the aged man said, "This >has been going on for two days. JADEITE: [singing] If I can't swim after two long days and my mind is caught in the crashing rage, lift me up so high... >I don't know what to make of it. Let's see..." He paused, >scratched his bald head, NEPHLITE: Uh-oh. Grandpa's got the French disease. JADEITE: No, it's the English disease! ZOISITE: It's properly called the Dutch disease, thank you! MALACHITE: I call it the Polish disease! [They squabble for a moment.] >and added, "We got ourselves a new employee here a few >days ago. He cleans the premises and works as the cashier >for our charm shop. [The argument ends suddenly.] JADEITE: Hey, at least I worked legally. I even got paid. >I guess it might be important 'cause he's a bit odd." [Nephlite laughs loudly and bitterly.] ZOISITE: I never knew Grandpa could be so cruel. >Ignoring a muttered comment from Raye, he >continued, "Calls himself Jay Daito. JADEITE: Not to be confused with Jay Leno! MALACHITE: [Mousse] Date-o spot-o?! >Doesn't say much... indeed, he seems lost in his >thoughts most of the time." MALACHITE: And he never updates his webpage. > >Luna then stood up straight. she >asked herself, general's name. ZOISITE: You're doing well today, Jadeite. You have several fans. JADEITE: Thanks. I owe it all to Al Gore. >I believe we have found another Negaverse- >driven scheme.> Bristling, she walked up to Serena. MALACHITE: Luna, roll for initiative. > >With a loud sigh, ZOISITE: Not so loud! We're in a library. >Raye said, "I'm afraid that I really >don't know anything about these happenings... NEPHLITE: She never saw what happened September 13th. She never wondered about the wanderer. She didn't even visit Xenobia Castle under the full moon. ZOISITE: What are you babbling about? >though I would be willing to help in your >investigation." Looking at her shoes, MALACHITE: Never step on Raye's blue swede shoes. You don't want to do that. NEPHLITE: If Raye is Catholic in this story, shouldn't she be wearing black patent leather shoes? >she quietly asked, "But if you wouldn't mind >too much, would you mind if I looked at your cat?" JADEITE: It's a cat. MALACHITE: Don't tell me Luna's into voyeurism too. Please! >Suspiciously, she half-looked at Serena. > >"Go ahead," Serena replied, NEPHLITE: [Serena] --Make my day! JADEITE: Ronald Reagan, where are you now? >not letting a drop of emotion >leak out, "Melvin, Miss Anderson, I'm going to check >out this charm shop. MALACHITE: Souvenirs? I love souvenirs. I've got a 1989 Cubs pennant, the limited-edition foil cover Tick #11, and... >If you have any pity, wait for me." NEPHLITE: I have no pity. >As she walked towards the hole-in-the-wall shop, her arms >shook as if she were freezing. ZOISITE: Turn down the air conditioning! JADEITE: Meanwhile, we still don't have it. >to me?> she thought. ZOISITE: Serena laughs in the face of death. She glares down the specter of fear! > >Amy watched as Raye knelt down beside Luna. She slowly >nodded as Raye patted the cat on top of the animal's head. NEPHLITE: Is this relevant? Interesting? MALACHITE: Give it up. The whole story is pretty much filler. >A wry, guilty smile creased Amy's face as Mr. Hikawa >walked away without a word. Now was the time to act. MALACHITE: No, it's tea-time. I'd like some Earl Grey, thank you! >"Excuse me," she said to Raye, bowing politely, "I don't >believe we've revealed our names yet. JADEITE: So why were you wearing name tags? >So, if you'll forgive our rudeness... Call me Amy Anderson. >The cat's Luna - ZOISITE: Maybe the cat's obsessive-compulsive, but I wouldn't call her a lunatic. NEPHLITE: I think we all know who the loonie is. >she belongs to that young person who just left for the charm >shop a moment ago. Her name is Serena Tsukino. MALACHITE: She doesn't look it, but she's EEEVIL! >And, finally..." > >Melvin laughed quietly. "Yeah, I'm last," he said, JADEITE: Melvin, you suck. NEPHLITE: Last one to draw straws... last one to roll initiative... last one to get on the bus... >casting a moment's glance at Amy, "My name's Melvin Gurio. Sorry >about earlier. And I am pleased to meet you, Raye Hino." MALACHITE: [Melvin] Umm... nookie? >Unable to come up with any other encouraging words, he >shrugged his shoulders. MALACHITE: That pretty much says it. > >After cautiously picking Luna up in her arms, Raye carried >the cat two steps closer to Melvin and Amy. ZOISITE: She's getting into some dangerous places here... >"Thanks... it's awful hard to get apologies from others these >days," Raye said, stuttering, and emphasizing every other >syllable, JADEITE: That makes it tough for the translators. ZOISITE: [Raye] I... could *not* get my acting... very *good* today. >"I should say this to you, up and front, just so you can say >you were warned... NEPHLITE: We were warned? >I'm a Christian. Out of place, yeah, I know. MALACHITE: Yeah. Like totally out of place. Bummer. ZOISITE: She's been searching in the night to find her place in this world... >You see, I was raised Shinto, like any good Japanese >girl who's born to be a priestess. NEPHLITE: [deep] Raye Hino... destiny. Raye Hino... destiny. >But about three years ago, I was introduced to my current faith >by a young woman named Dania, ZOISITE: Who? JADEITE: Just some single-name character. She'll never show up again. MALACHITE: But if she does... it'll be Gensuke or Akira all over again. >and... well... I guess that's pretty much my >story in capsule form." JADEITE: Small, oval-shaped, and easy to swallow. >Shyly smiling, she looked at Amy and Melvin, but stood stiff >as a martyr waiting for the ocean tide. MALACHITE: Nice bad metaphor. > >Unknown to Raye, Luna's eyes opened wide. name,> she thought, NEPHLITE: Right. I suspect Dania showed up in the backstory and immediately ran off with Greg. >Queen Serenity sent for Artemis to awaken. But what did >happen to her?> JADEITE: She got distracted chasing after Kotori. She will *never* show up again. MALACHITE: If she does, I'll hurt her. > >"I see," Amy flatly replied, gazing at her left wrist, >which had no watch on it, ZOISITE: Nice wrist. >"Well, Serena's finally done. Shall we be off?" she asked >of the others. NEPHLITE: Run while you have a chance! > >Nodding in agreement, Melvin walked up to the rapidly >approaching Serena. JADEITE: If Melvin approached Serena from a 44 degree angle and the wind condition is 20 miles per hour, how much damage does she deal? ZOISITE: Not nearly enough. >Looking at her face, rather than the >small trinket in her closed right hand, NEPHLITE: So she's holding a small, bratty troll? >he asked, "So, Serena, what do you think? How are we gonna >carry out our investigation?" MALACHITE: [Serena] The same way we do every night, Pinky... > >As was her custom, Serena mechanically turned her head >towards the young man, and replied, "I shall go on the >bus." JADEITE: [Melvin] Umm... that wasn't an answer. MALACHITE: [Serena] I don't care! >Her thoughts stated, she turned her eyes back towards >the pavement beneath her feet. NEPHLITE: And it inevitably SUXXXXed. MALACHITE: She'd do better to be a pavement speculator. > >Carefully stepping unto the staircase, Raye stared at the >young cynic. She told her, "Serena - if I may call you that ZOISITE: The answer? No! >- do you think that's really necessary? If there's anyone >here who should take such a burden, then it's me. JADEITE: [singing] Take up the Rabbit Girl's Burden... >I've come to accept the role of being a punching bag - let me >do this task for you." The young woman clenched her jaw. MALACHITE: Raye's tough. She makes a good punching bag. ZOISITE: She's got an odd codependency thing going here... >If she were to stand a chance of being accepted by them, she >would have to show them her strengths. JADEITE: Since when does Raye have an 18 Strength? > >"No," Serena stiffly replied, pressing her teeth together, NEPHLITE: Her dentist isn't going to like that. >"I will not be deterred from this." She stood as a wooden >board, even taking each step on the staircase with >artificial, puppet-like motion. ZOISITE: Wow. I guess we really needed a few more Utena references. NEPHLITE: There's never an apocalypse when you want one. > > Amy figured, looking out towards the car- >packed road MALACHITE: That's an interesting expression. I guess they're not on a side street after all. >only a few meters away, to observe the results. This should be amusing... ZOISITE: Only Amy would find this amusing. MALACHITE: It isn't even as interesting as Titan AE. >and I can use it to impress my instructors.> She smirked, >and then turned towards Melvin, who wore a puzzled, worried >expression on his face. JADEITE: He didn't ask to be in this scene. In fact, he's been ignored for several paragraphs, and it's getting quite painful now. >"Melvin," Amy said in a calm voice, "Let's stick together >for now, so that we're prepared... NEPHLITE: Your friends have all disappeared to somewhere else in the haunted house. What do you do? MALACHITE: Split up and investigate! >should anything happen to Serena." > >Just then a thought crossed Luna's mind. She wondered, >the others? NEPHLITE: Make sure she's tuned up and fully operational. Really, people. >I should have plotted this out beforehand... ZOISITE: Admit it, Luna... you have no clue what you're doing. JADEITE: You really think she's winging it? >Well, at least this isn't the appointed time for Sailor >Moon's death - for if these buses are bound for the >Negaverse, then... JADEITE: Hey, it's the bus bound for heaven. Think they'll let us have a visit? MALACHITE: No more pseudo-religious obscurities. Please. >Good God, what am I thinking?> she asked herself, appointed by Queen Serenity to be her >guardian until the final hour, ZOISITE: Pretentious? Yeah. >*not* to watch the Sailor fall before her team is even fully >gathered! Raye, looks like I'm going to awaken Mars in you... JADEITE: [singing] I like the Mars in you... >I hope you'll forgive me.> The cat let a tear fall. > >Putting her right hand to her forehead, ALL: D'oh!! >Raye scanned the curbside for an available bus. "The blue one >over there," she said to the others, "It matches the descriptions >that the police have been giving us. MALACHITE: Uh-huh. It's big, blue, and looks like a bus. NEPHLITE: You were hoping for something more? >Let's hurry before it departs!" ZOISITE: Hurry, or else you'll be stuck here the whole chapter. NEPHLITE: Let's go, Gekiganger! >Walking off the stone staircase, she touched down >on the pavement and began running. > >Serena, Amy, and ZOISITE: Ralph Nader! MALACHITE: Karen Kasumi! JADEITE: Darius Rucker with Hootie and the Blowfish! NEPHLITE: Joni Mitchell! ZOISITE: Noel Paul Stookey! JADEITE: Mitch Williams! NEPHLITE: The mysterious Dania girl! >Melvin all looked in each others' directions for a second. >Then, with only a hint of urgency in her voice, Amy said, >"Let's follow her." MALACHITE: I follow him! [The others mimic various explosions.] > >Thus, the four ran towards the still-parked bus. Above >them, the midday sun stalled behind a white cloud. NEPHLITE: The weather in... wherever the hell they are... will be mildly warm and partly cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms, tornadoes, and possibly locusts. Buckle up. > >*** >"Mr. Daito?" JADEITE: Anna Kournikova? MALACHITE: Kirsten! Tiffany!! NEPHLITE: Kaoru-dono... ZOISITE: Chief? McCloud! >called Mr. Hikawa, as he walked up to the >charm shop, which had no line of people waiting ZOISITE: It's nothing like Woodfield Mall. I can say that for sure. >at the moment, "How are sales going?" JADEITE: They seem to be plummeting. By the way, what *is* the dollar-to-yen conversion rate? >He strained his neck to see >the general peering down at him from the counter. > >Keeping his right hand pressed against the ki-gathering >jewel, MALACHITE: He's awfully posessive today. JADEITE: It wasn't easy to get that. Just think of all the monsters that died in order to get it! >which rested below his side of the counter, Jadeite >replied, "I'm pleased to report that my sales are better >than ever. NEPHLITE: Especially since he opened the store. >Not only that, the customers have been reporting >that they are quite pleased with the charms. ZOISITE: They're souvenirs, people. Surely you can live without them. >Good Mr. Hikawa, I strongly suggest that you try one for >yourself." The chosen of Queen Beryl faked a bow. > >The priest of Cherry Hill Temple smiled broadly. NEPHLITE: When he does that, that's your cue to run. MALACHITE: If he says "nookie," I'm running. >"I guess I should do that," he said, talking a bit too >loudly, "but would I have to pay you with *money*?" JADEITE: We haven't exactly regressed to the barter system yet... MALACHITE: I think the fic is sending a message. A rather disturbing message. >He nearly fell over from laughing at his own remark. ZOISITE: Ha ha ha, sir... very funny... HELP! > >Trying to keep his cool, Jadeite turned around, as if >searching for a charm. NEPHLITE: Is it time for a RAYE MEGA-PUNCH? >he thought, compressing his fists. > >*** >The four young people stood a meter away from the door of >the tour bus. ZOISITE: Great. Now we have to go back to Peoria. Grumble... >A short line had formed, but all the people >in it were dead silent, and blankly staring forward. MALACHITE: It's a bus full of sleeping tourists. Or possibly zombies. NEPHLITE: Wasn't this a scene in Heavy Metal? JADEITE: Only you saw that movie. >Luna, still in Raye's arms, thought, everything turns out well, or else...> ZOISITE: Or else...? MALACHITE: Or else it's clobberin' time! >Without a mumbled word, Serena stepped forward. Nodding her >head, she boarded the bus. Thirty seconds later, JADEITE: We're keeping to a strict timetable here. NEPHLITE: It's a bus-bomb! >the door closed, for all the passengers were on board, and >the vehicle shifted its gears. ZOISITE: You don't know how to drive a stick shift, huh? >Raye, Amy, and Melvin watched the bus leave, NEPHLITE: There she goes. Brave Serena... she shall not have died in vain. ZOISITE: She isn't dead *yet*... >and all three had their mouths hanging open. > >Then the Negaverse struck. JADEITE: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets... >In front of the bus there appeared a round whirlpool of rapidly >cycling black energy. MALACHITE: Sure it's evil, but it looks silly. NEPHLITE: We've all had that problem. >The obstacle was practically upon the bus' radiator, and >yet it only covered that lane of traffic. JADEITE: ...for it is in London that our scene lies... >But seconds later, the entire bus had driven into the hole. ZOISITE: This is gonna be awfully hard to explain to the police. MALACHITE: A bus fell into a hole! It didn't even notice that the light had changed! >The three companions cringed, NEPHLITE: Yes, the three noble companions of Sailor Moon. MALACHITE: Or Serena. Whatever. >fearing that other cars would enter the >evil whirlpool, but it immediately dissipated as soon as >the bus was completely gone. ZOISITE: The leader of the pack! And now it's gone gone gone... JADEITE: ...rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. NEPHLITE: Thank you, Jadeite. Now be quiet. > >"Unbelievable," Raye said, almost under her breath, ZOISITE: [Keanu Reeves] Whoa... >"I really gotta get back to Cherry Hill--my grandpa must know >about this. Hope to see the two of you very soon, so that >we can get this wrapped up..." JADEITE: What do you think this is, sushi? NEPHLITE: That means a RAYE MEGA-PUNCH for you... >She set Luna on the ground, and as her words trailed off, she >ran back up the long staircase. [Nephlite delivers the Mega-Punch.] JADEITE: Ouch... sorry... > >Melvin's gaze was still on the street, ZOISITE: Melvin doesn't know enough to get out of the street. Kinda sad, actually. >which was now cluttered with cars honking at each other. >"Serena - why?" he asked, whispering to the wind. MALACHITE: [Melvin] Why... Spock? ZOISITE: [Serena] Stop annoying me, peon! >Knowing that this was her chance, Luna leapt into the >bushes behind the pavement. NEPHLITE: She's got a video camera, and she's ready to use it. MALACHITE: Oh great. Not Tomoyo again... >"Amy," she called from the foliage, "Just close your eyes >and relax." NEPHLITE: Relax! Do evil! > >Falling to her knees, Amy Anderson covered her face with >her two hands. Silently sobbing, MALACHITE: Amy's tough and sadistic... among other things... but she's crying on the inside. >she covered her eyes-- > >Sailor Mercury stood up. JADEITE: Admit it. You just don't get transitions like that anywhere else. NEPHLITE: That's not a good thing. >"Oh, Luna," she quietly said, "Get out of there. We've got work >to do." ZOISITE: How long does it take some people to update their website? >The Sailor drew out her portable computer and performed a quick >calculation. Moving her gaze from the machine's screen, JADEITE: [Amy] See that, that, and that? Now watch *this*! MALACHITE: The sort of dialogue only a screenwriter could love. >she told Luna, "Our quarry ZOISITE: Pretentious enough? [The others nod yes.] >is definitely heading into the Negaverse. Now, the question >remains - how are we going to get there?" MALACHITE: Call Nega-Cabs! Service in fifteen minutes. NEPHLITE: Evil black portals are extra. > >Curious, Melvin turned around, and looked at the pair. MALACHITE: What a pair she has! >"What...?" he exclaimed, "You're... not Amy." NEPHLITE: She isn't Ultraman! Nor is she Ponpoko! ZOISITE: We're getting awfully fascinated with our Rumiko Takahashi books, no? >The young man blinked his eyes three times, but nothing changed. > >"No," Mercury calmly replied, "I'm called Sailor Mercury. JADEITE: [childish] I'm the wind! Woosh! >My duty is to protect Sailor Moon in all her battles." The >Sailor grinned proudly. MALACHITE: [singing] Big wheel keep on turning... Proud Amy keep on burning... JADEITE: That was my line! > >*** >Still sweating and breathing hard from her dash, Raye ran >towards her grandfather. NEPHLITE: I'm surprised she doesn't trip over him. MALACHITE: Nope. He'd do naughty things well before she could. >The elder was absently walking towards the staircase. His eyes >were locked in place, and his walking was wooden. JADEITE: Ugh... too much television... >"Grandpa!" she yelled at him, kneeling down to his level, >"What's happened to you?" NEPHLITE: He sold his soul to Geocities. You shouldn't have asked. > >As Mr. Hikawa walked onwards, muttering something about a >bus, the pieces came together in Raye's mind. JADEITE: [Raye] If I wait for the four-by-one piece, I can get a Tetris! >this,> she thought. ZOISITE: In the Negaverse, we stand beside all our evil schemes. JADEITE: Don't you mean behind? ZOISITE: No, *beside*. Just in case they backfire. >The young Christian MALACHITE: Oh, stop using that sort of designation. ZOISITE: It's nice and artsy. Michael Cimino would like it. >approached the charm shop, where Jadeite still stood, safe >and proud behind a short line of customers. NEPHLITE: [Jadeite] Gotta waste time, gotta waste time... nobody's making any money but me... >"Excuse me, Mr. Daito," she said, spitting out her words as she >pushed her way to the front of the line, "I have good reason >to believe--" JADEITE: How appropriate! MALACHITE: [singing] And still I look for a reason to believe... >she began to say. > >The general raised his right hand. NEPHLITE: Who does he think he is, D? MALACHITE: I'm amazed that the 15-year-old movie's being released on DVD. >"I'm afraid that this shop is now closed," he said formally, >and as his merchandise vanished, JADEITE: Poof! ZOISITE: And I was just about to buy a commemorative stein... >Jadeite continued, "If you're so concerned about the missing >ones, why don't you join them?" ZOISITE: "Perpendicular dimension" indeed! >With a snap of his fingers, Raye vanished from sight. A >moment later, so did he. JADEITE: Pop! NEPHLITE: Move along, customers. Nothing of importance here... > >*** >Clinging with both her hands to the railing by the bus >door, Serena stared at the driver ZOISITE: Whoa. Intense babe action. >with both her eyes peeled wide open. The man was wearing >a black tuxedo, a matching hat, and a white mask across >his face - MALACHITE: So does he have two personalities too? JADEITE: Half the time he acts like Tuxedo Mask, but the other half he acts like the Penguin. ZOISITE: I still prefer Akira Ilyujin. >apparel eccentric for a cab driver, but even more so >for one behind a tour bus. JADEITE: Since it would be so out-of-place to wear a clown suit. >He was clearly in control of the vehicle, for his >hands were all but locked unto the wheel. NEPHLITE: White guys drive like this... MALACHITE: [Homer Simpson] Ha, ha. We're so pathetic. >"Good grief," Serena said, spitting out each word for >maximum sarcasm, JADEITE: Insert "sarcasm" here. >"Aren't you just a little overdressed? Do you have any >idea where you're going? A little messed-up, aren't we?" ZOISITE: At least he's going through rehab. Unlike some certain psychotics... NEPHLITE: He needs to learn the RAYE MEGA-PUNCH. >she asked loudly. > >Tuxedo Mask turned towards the young woman. Though his >expression was blank, ALL: Duh... >he said, "You'd better be careful what you say - just >look at the other people on this bus. JADEITE: [singing] Ah, look at all the lonely people... NEPHLITE: Sailor Moon died in a church and was buried along with her name. >And I strongly suggest that you then close your eyes and >calm down." MALACHITE: That's Luna's relaxation technique, you dork. >The man then shifted his eyes back to the >rough, unlit black road before him. JADEITE: *Is* there an exit on the highway to hell? > >Though she frowned for a second, Serena looked towards the >back of the bus. NEPHLITE: Wow. It looks like a bus. MALACHITE: This is almost as good as the Important Building. >All the others were comatose - their heads >were either bent back or drooping forward, ZOISITE: Ugh... too much Nyquil... >and their eyes were closed tight. she thought, MALACHITE: Darn! NEPHLITE: Crap! ZOISITE: Poopie! JADEITE: Bogus! >the same words Luna's always telling me?> JADEITE: Maybe they're one in the same. NEPHLITE: No way. Not a chance of that. >Feeling sick, Serena closed her >eyes, and put her burden of regret away-- JADEITE: [singing] Give me the strength to lay this burden down, down, down... > >"Tuxedo Mask," Sailor Moon said, loosening her grip on the >pole, MALACHITE: I thought we'd had enough of this symbolism. >"Where have you been lately? You have been watching >me, haven't you?" she inquired of him. MALACHITE: What did I just say? ZOISITE: He's doing a good Kusanagi impression. > >The former prince of Earth looked back at his love. JADEITE: Relevant information! ZOISITE: Now the plot might start to make sense. >"I have tried," he said, keeping his eyes fixed on her, >"but I am only human. Can you forgive me?" MALACHITE: "Only human" indeed! What's Sailor Moon supposed to be, a goddess? JADEITE: No. We are not going to discuss the religious eccentricities in this fic. MALACHITE: Thank you. >Tuxedo Mask asked calmly. > >Feeling the bus slow to a halt below her feet, ZOISITE: No, I will not wash her feet. >Sailor Moon stood up, bowed, and said, "Yes. Let's walk >out into the Negaverse together." JADEITE: [singing] Let's bungle in the jungle... >Shyly, she turned around, and looked >out towards the bleak landscape. ZOISITE: To the north is an endless desert. To the east are impassible mountains. To the south is a swamp nobody's ever gone through. Which way do you go? MALACHITE: Ummm... what was that again? >Beyond the door there was solid ground, but on that gray >material, not a single plant grew. MALACHITE: Fioret wouldn't like it here. NEPHLITE: He wouldn't like it anywhere. >The sky of the Negaverse had the same death-like >pallor, but it was colored a dirty brown. ZOISITE: Basically, the budget was running out. > >Ready for the battle, JADEITE: I'm not ready yet! NEPHLITE: You're never ready. >Tuxedo Mask pulled the lever that opened the door. Though >the bus was immediately inundated by a thick, choking smoke, [Everyone coughs loudly.] >he took Sailor Moon's left hand in his right. Silently, >they got off the bus together. JADEITE: [singing] I hold your hand in mine, dear... > >*** >"Luna," Sailor Mercury said quietly, NEPHLITE: [Mercury] What's that odd stain on the ground? JADEITE: [same] Is there a purpose for me in the story, or do I just watch over Melvin? ZOISITE: [same] Can I go home now? >"Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask have entered the Negaverse, and >so have two others... MALACHITE: --who will not be disclosed at this time. >it looks like a young woman and Jadeite. JADEITE: Me, baby! Pay attention to me! >What should we do?" She looked first to the cat, then to Melvin, >who was also sitting next to her. NEPHLITE: [Melvin] Stop staring at me, Sailor girl. MALACHITE: Yes, folks... women be different than men. > >The feline of the Moon Kingdom, knowing the risks in >speaking in public, NEPHLITE: Not only that, she has bad posture. >hastily typed out on the computer, %There's entire buses of >people there. ZOISITE: Damn tourists. Only they could make hell even worse. JADEITE: Kind of ironic. >You should try to create a dimension gate just in case.% >Still suspicious, she looked around, checking to see if anyone >was watching. MALACHITE: Don't tell me Kero-chan's into voyeurism! ZOISITE: Please please please... > >Mercury put her chin in her right hand for a moment. "I >believe I can manage that," she whispered. JADEITE: Heck, she could even manage the Mets. > >*** >Queen Beryl's general of choice, Jadeite, JADEITE: Who's important? Me, baby! [The others just ignore him.] >looked at the young woman on the ground before him, then he >turned towards Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask. MALACHITE: Two against one. At least he's brave enough to face bad odds. NEPHLITE: Not like he could possibly win... Not that anyone could possibly beat them... >"So," he said gruffly, "you've come to rescue her... and the >others? Well, you're going to get a fight first." ZOISITE: Good. We need a diversion from the symbolism and the you-know-what. >The general stepped forward and sneered at the duo. > >"I know of his power, Tuxedo Mask," Sailor Moon said JADEITE: [Moon] Power level five hundred... not bad. NEPHLITE: You don't have a five hundred power level! JADEITE: I know, I know... >soberly, brushing her hands together, "He is able to >destroy the both of us - even if it is only in body. ZOISITE: He'll take your soul, your mortal soul... scream as it feeds... >I must awaken Sailor Mars if we are to win. NEPHLITE: Are we to enjoy such dialogue constructs? >This is the way that it is supposed to be. MALACHITE: No way. Nope. >When the time comes for you to >strike, I will yell a word..." JADEITE: [Moon] A word! >After whispering the code word to him, MALACHITE: I'm curious. What might the word be? NEPHLITE: "Evil." ZOISITE: "Shijintenchisho." JADEITE: "Sgt. Pepper." MALACHITE: I was thinking it might be "pathetic." >she took a deep breath. Hardly even blinking, >she strode towards Jadeite, all the while keeping her >facial muscles taut. ZOISITE: We decided to fill in some space with a truly hideous close-up. > >Seeing how his rival was coming towards him, Jadeite began >to taunt her: NEPHLITE: [Jadeite] Your mother was a hamster... and your father smelt of self-insertion! MALACHITE: Reminds me of Dragon Magazine's fixation with giant space hamsters. >"So you have to get close in order to hurt >me? Or do you want to surrender, Sailor Moon?" MALACHITE: "Surrender" is not in her vocabulary. ZOISITE: You'd be amazed what actually is. >he said, even as he anxiously watched Tuxedo Mask stand in place. JADEITE: [himself] His presence... ha ha... terrifies me... heh heh... > >Not letting his insults get to her head, NEPHLITE: She gives a lot of crap to Luna, and takes quite a bit from Amy. She knows all about insults. JADEITE: [Serena] I'll kick your arse so hard you kiss the moons! >the chosen of Luna told him, "You will not interfere with what >I must do. Jadeite, *back off*!" MALACHITE: I rather doubt she said "back." >Getting ready for her accomplice's attack, she knelt down in >front of Raye. MALACHITE: And now back to our symbolism in progress. ZOISITE: Very slow progress. NEPHLITE: There's no progress being made here. > >Obeying the verbal signal, Tuxedo Mask charged JADEITE: [Tuxedo Mask] Orcs?? CHARGE!! ZOISITE: I guess the code word was "back off." Kinda stupid if you ask me. >towards the general. He leapt over Sailor Moon, and thrust a >barbed rose at Jadeite. NEPHLITE: Fight evil with... flowers! >As his opponent fell down, Tuxedo Mask came to the ground on >his feet. JADEITE: And *that* was his finishing move? > >Whispering into Raye's right ear, Sailor Moon said, "Young >woman, wake up. MALACHITE: [singing] Wake up, Raye Hino, wake up! >You have a duty to accomplish - please, do >not let us down." ZOISITE: She'll stand her ground! And she won't back down. JADEITE: We're running out of halfway-quotable songs... >Looking over her scarred, pale facial >features, the Sailor hoped that Raye was still conscious. NEPHLITE: I think a RAYE MEGA-PUNCH would fairly answer that. > >"Hurry up!" exclaimed Tuxedo Mask. His opponent was still >on the floor, but with a slight movement of his fingers, NEPHLITE: Stop twitching on the ground! ZOISITE: Jadeite's trying to give them the finger... but not quite successfully. >the general was still capable of striking them all down. > >Though her arms shook, Queen Serenity's daughter MALACHITE: Of all Serena's... or Sailor Moon's... titles, I think I like that one the least. >watched as Raye's eyes opened. "Close your eyes again," ZOISITE: [singing] Now close your eyes so you can see... MALACHITE: A little *more* symbolism? Why not. >she said, holding back a laugh, "and concentrate. You shall get >through this." NEPHLITE: Relatively speaking. > >A moment later, Sailor Moon stood up and took a step back. JADEITE: Stand back, folks. She is not happy. >She grinned as Sailor Mars stood up and saluted. "Now that >I'm back," Mars said brashly, "it's time for some cleanup." ALL: Woo-hoo!! JADEITE: Mars has an 18 Strength. Hoody hoo! >The Sailor of fire swiveled around, walked past Tuxedo >Mask, MALACHITE: [Darien] Of course. Nobody likes me. >and looked at the wounded, bleeding Jadeite. ZOISITE: Sure... just kick him when he's down. Bully! JADEITE: [Mars] You shall suffer eternal damnation for this. NEPHLITE: [Jadeite] I *am* damnation. >Not bothering to say a word, she shot a fireball at his face... NEPHLITE: [Mars] Dragon SLAVE! MALACHITE: She wasn't learning from the mysterious Dania girl... she learned from Akira. >But by the time the fireball hit the ground, Jadeite had >teleported. ZOISITE: Oh, that's so typical. NEPHLITE: We're really going to drag this series out a while that way. >"Almost," Tuxedo Mask, "Thanks for all the help." ZOISITE: Huh?? JADEITE: I assume we're missing a "said" somewhere. MALACHITE: [Tuxedo Mask] Almost! > >*** >As perspiration formed on her forehead, JADEITE: [Mercury] I'm *so* embarrassed. >Sailor Mercury pointed towards the sidewalk outside Cherry Hill >Temple. "By the strength given me by Queen Serenity," MALACHITE: [Mercury] Give me love liberty disco... >she said boldly, hardly even conscious of her words, "I order a >dimension hole ZOISITE: That's what's wrong with the whole perpendicular dimension thing. The portals never work. JADEITE: [singing] I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in... >to connect this world with that of the Negaverse!" > >For a second, even the wind was silent. NEPHLITE: She has spoken! There is thirty minutes' silence in heaven! >Then a wisp of black mist appeared over the sidewalk. It began to >swirl around as the last one had, but grew in size. JADEITE: I thought she needed a time key to use the portal. MALACHITE: Nah. Balthasar just lets people wander through time and space. >"Very nice, Mercury!" Melvin said, adjusting his glasses to properly >see the miracle occurring before him. MALACHITE: If that's a miracle, I don't want to see something ordinary. ZOISITE: [singing] Do you believe? It's a miracle portal-u... > >Luna, standing in between them, nodded her head. JADEITE: Nice. > >-- >Brief Notes: Three things I should mention... NEPHLITE: Three things? Then it isn't really *brief* notes, huh? ZOISITE: As long as the notes don't have any Important Descriptions, I'll be fine. >I hope the relative lack of profanity in this episode was a plus. >I definitely overdid it in the last three, MALACHITE: It was sort of an Alan Smithee version of Sailor Moon. >so I hope this doesn't swing too far in the opposite direction. >Second, I used , which means life, instead of , >which means blood. ZOISITE: Sorry. I was too busy noticing other things... y'know, like the astoundingly low quality. MALACHITE: People, it doesn't matter whether they're wearing panties or whatnot. That's not the big issue. >The Negaverse villains aren't vampires, after all. JADEITE: I wanna be a vampire! Why can't I be a vampire? >I'll try to correct this error in the previous >chapters sometime in the future. Other than that, you may >recognize the name "Jay Daito" from Hitoshi Doi's synopses. JADEITE: Who? ZOISITE: His website was briefly well-known and popular in the mid-nineties. >Yeah, I got the basic plot outline from that (I have a poor >memory). I feel so dirty for using information from the >Japanese series... MALACHITE: Especially the plotless episodes. NEPHLITE: There's a plot in Sailor Moon? > >Back in Chapter 3, I said the wait would just be a "couple weeks," and look what happened... ALL: We know the feeling. >Well, I'll be honest: I have vacation until January 10, 1999, >and even then, I've got several other projects which I want to >write. JADEITE: And I've got laundry to do. >So, it'll probably be another six/seven weeks >before Chapter 5 (working title: Blood on the Water). MALACHITE: Play "Smoke on the Water"! You just gotta play "Smoke on the Water"! > >Disclaimers: "Sailor Moon," its characters, and all >indicia thereof are copyrights of DiC Communications and >various others. NEPHLITE: It ain't the French, it ain't the Canadians, and now it ain't Disney. Who owns the dub now? ZOISITE: Now it's all in the hands of God. NEPHLITE: Oh, stop that. >"Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon," its characters, and all indicia >thereof are copyrights of Takeuchi Naoko, JADEITE: Fanboy! >Kodansha Comics Ltd., and various others. >This fanfic was finished on December 17, 1998 NEPHLITE: --and left to rot for over eighteen months. >by John Alan Riggs, commonly known as Alan or I.N.T.O. > >-Alan / I.N.T.O. (I'm Not The Otaking) ZOISITE: Who *is* the otaking? MALACHITE: Carl Gustav Horn! NEPHLITE: Victor Ireland! JADEITE: Adam Warren and Warren Ellis! NEPHLITE: Ian Kim! ZOISITE: Puma! Puma! JADEITE: Roger Ebert at the movies! MALACHITE: Downtown Julie Brown! > > ZOISITE: Thank you, Xoom. Thank you, Geocities. May we never use your services again. > > > > MALACHITE: I want to go home. JADEITE: Yes. Time to pack up the groceries... [They leave.] -- Stinger: >"The *cooking* club? I... I never would have thought!"