--Alan (ChrOtaku@xoommail.com)--

Megane 6.7 wrote:

>>It was Saturday and as usual, Lum was bored.

>Crow: Hey guys! I just thought of a new challenge for the FFML! >Write any lemon you want beginning with that sentence and filling in >Lum's name with the anime girl of your choice! What'da think? (MSTing of "'Urusei Yatsura': The Kidnapping")

Heh... Little do they know how evil I can be...

"Sailormoon" Pie: S-PIES
A Spamfic

It was Saturday and as usual, Serena was bored. Sitting in front of the old, battered, metal-framed television, she crawled towards it, and turned the channel knob. A moment later, she sat back, and numbly looked at the image. "Lovely," she said, crossing her eyes, "It's my show. Well, at least it gives me a little something to be amused by."

And so, she remained in her reclining position, with her eyes fixated on the flickering image...

With a shout, a leap, and a bounce-bounce-bounce, Tsukino Usagi ran downstairs. "Good morning, family!" she said to them, shouting - despite the fact that they stood less than a meter away. Shingo, Ikuko, and Kenji all had their eyes wide open, to the point of exploding.

"Well? Well? What're all of you staring at?" Usagi asked, apropos to nothing.

Shingo un-loosened his jaw and spoke: "Good God, sister - you're actually wearing clothes. This is what, the first time?"

Her mouth suddenly going slack, the "rabbit" stared at him. Now her eyes were all but popping out. "You're a pervert!" she shrieked, knocking all three back a few meters with the sheer intensity of her voice. Now to the breaking point of her emotions, she dashed out of the house.

"So're you," Shingo muttered, though he knew the comment went in vain. He stared at his feet, thinking, At least I got a couple of lines...

Rei and Usagi walked down the quiet street, hand in hand, winking at each other at ten-second intervals. Sweetly, softly, the priestess said, "You know, I hate you."

Usagi smiled coyly. "Oh, definitely," she replied, her voice reaching into the pink sugar range, "You're a real egocentric bastard with 24/7 PMS." She giggled.

Quite suddenly, the shower of cherry blossoms stopped, and the makeout music ceased. Though Rei wiped her brow, a beeping sound got Usagi's attention. "It's my communicator-of-the-week again," she said nonchalantly, then shouted into the device, "Hello? Hello? Who's contacting me? Anyone out there? Ten-four? Can you hear me? Is anybody listening?"

As soon as Usagi drew in an emergency breath, she heard a voice screaming from the other end. "Oh... heh heh... woopsie," she meekly said.

"Because you weren't listening," the voice of Mizuno Ami said, growling through the speaker, "There's trouble about. I'll meet you at Tokyo Tower in a few minutes. Bring money, food, and preferably some live ammo." A sharp click sounded.

Her expression grim and sober, Usagi turned her head toward Rei. The priestess did the same. "Let's kick ass," they said simulaneously. Both young women pulled sunglasses out of hammerspace, donned them, and set their faces toward the horizon. With a burst of energy, they blasted into a manic run.

Ami, pacing back and forth, looked toward the massive, piercing ball of light as it drew closer to the tower. She then checked her wristwatch. The thing was broken. "It's 8:40," she said, "A commercial break is almost upon us. They'd better be here soon, or else our ratings are going to drop." She tapped her right foot twice, waiting for something to happen.

"Sorry that we're late," Usagi said nervously, rushing in a door, and removing her shades, "We got... um... caught in traffic." For half a second, she stood between Rei and Ami. The sweatdrop had just left her face when she wandered over to a telescope. "Ooh, I wanna use this!" she exclaimed, throwing a coin into the machine.

Now it was Rei's turn to stagger under a sweatdrop's weight. "God, she's embarrassing," she mumbled, all the while taking off her sunglasses.

On schedule, the daimon crashed through the glass, only to land on its ass. Slowly standing up, the bulky mechanized doll hissed, "Grr- baah! Destruction, commence!" It wound up its short, spinning arms, and bounded toward Rei and Ami.

"Ready, Fireball?" Ami smugly asked her... um, companion. She hastily snuck a glance at Usagi - whose time had just run out - and shouted, "Commercial break action!"

A few minutes later, Mars and Mercury faced down the slow-moving foe. "Now I'm ready," everyone's favorite Sailor said, "Mercury bubble bath... soak!"

The daimon was immediately doused with about a million cool-but- embarrasingly-ineffective water bubbles. It continued to approach the Sailors. Mars, everyone's second favorite Sailor, took this as her cue. "Mars soul fire bird mandala ball... incineration!" she shouted, attacking the opponent with an overkill-size dose of flame... um, fire-based attacks.

Even with all this, the daimon was only lightly toasted. "Prepare yourselves, Sailors," it tersely said. The slow-but-brutal foe knocked both of them in the head with its big, fluffy flying fists. Just when all looked hopeless...

"My coin's jammed!" Usagi shouted. "Odango" was still fiddling with the telescope. She looked over in her so-called friends' direction, and asked, "Could you give me some -- oh, dear. Just a moment while I regain my composure." It took her a moment to recover from her rather perverted statement, and a few more minutes to transform into Sailormoon.

To the daimon, the Sailor declared, "You've been very, very naughty! And I've got-- well, hello!" Again, she stopped, and stared in the direction of two now-familiar figures. Both of them were standing in the spotlight, which they had been inexplicably and undeservingly receiving for the past few episodes.

"Attacking before nine o'clock... shameful!" Uranus haughtily said, crossing her arms, "Invited by the age of Aquarius, appearing ambiguously, I am the marginally attractive Sailoruranus!" The rogue (or should that be rouge?) Sailor paused a second, and continued, "Kiss my fat ass, daimon. Corporate shakedown!" Her spherical attack struck the foe, causing it to fall over.

Frowning, Neptune looked at Uranus. "Don't I get to use my attack?" she asked, in her flat, emotion-free voice.

In turn, Uranus glowered at her partner. She hissed, "I told you this already - do not act! You get second billing, and I suggest you stay there! Do as you're told, weakling."

By this point, Sailorneptune was shaking furiously. She was trying to act, despite her handicaps of no personality, no wit, no sense of individual worth, no morals, and no spine. "Look... look..." she sputtered, "I don't have to take this. I don't even have to stay on this show. In fact, Uranus, you might be surprised to know that I have another contract in waiting. Once I'm done with this crap, I'll be moving on to the far-less-speculative, far-less-pseudo- controversial project 'Pocket Monsters.' Can you say that for yourself, Uranus? Huh? Huh? DiDn'T tHiNk So! Bugger off, and don't try to find me." With that, she fled the scene.

Uranus, her ears aching for air, scratched her head. "My!" she exclaimed, "I say, that was rather rude. Now... where was I?" She scanned the room, and saw the damaged daimon emitting electric sparks, struggling to get off its back. Smirking, Uranus said, "Ah, yes, my work here is but half-finished. Well, my dear enemy, it's naptime for you, and paycheck time for me. Uranus egotistical wipeout!" With that one last blow, she reduced the foe to a thousand pieces. Silently -- sorry, bad word choice there -- she left.

"That was an amusing interlude," Mars softly said, putting her hands on Moon's... um, shoulders, "but shall we leave now, since the scene is clear?"

The Sailors suddenly heard several creaks and cracks from behind them. The daimon was suddenly back together, and on its feet. It said, spitting smoke between words, "Thanks to my character contract... I'm not dead yet!" It wound up its arms again.

Moon shrugged, oblivious of the gratuitous self-reference and plug, and walked away from Mars. "A Sailor's work is never done," she said with a sigh, "Well, here goes nothing. Moon Frisbee (TM) tiara disc eliminilluminannihilation!" With one well-placed (ahem) shot, the daimon was reduced to a pile of randomly scattered atoms.

Ami brushed her hands together. "All right then," she said, "That does it for today's episode." Breaking the fourth wall with the subtlety of a Norwegian moose, she told the audience, "Remember, kids, never relinquish your hope in the power of perversion!"

Serena blinked twice. "Hey," she said quietly, "What happened to Venus and Jupiter? Lame! That's the last fansub I'll ever watch!"

For a moment, she simply sat there. Then Serena stood, shut off the TV set, and began thinking. she wondered.

WORDS IN CLOSING: Lovely, huh?

E-mail me at ChrOtaku@xoommail.com. I'd appreciate it!


This was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs) on March 3, 1999. The standard disclaimers apply.

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