Sailormoon Pie-in-the-Sky

Another Amazing Spamfic!

It was very cold at the North Pole. Very cold. Frigid cold. Extremely cold. Numbingly cold. It wasn't warm.

"You know," Sailormoon said, shaking and shivering as she trudged towards the giant hole in the ground, "I'm beginning to think that we should just let Beryl-sama take over the world, and then we attack her." She looked at the four other inner Senshi, but all of them kept a stiff upper lip as they walked onward. "Oh, and did I mention that I'm freezing?" she asked casually.

Sailormercury looked over at her blue-faced compatriot. "Yes," the Senshi of water said, "According to my calculations, you've said that twenty thousand, five hundred and seventy-four times. Any adjustments for pi and imaginary numbers will have to wait until later, because my computer just froze up. Literally."

"Ooh, Mercury made a funny joke," Sailormars bluntly said, "You're real funny. In fact, so funny that I think that even Washu would bow--"

Leaping out in front of Mars and holding her right hand up, Sailorvenus told her fellow senshi, "No. We *don't* need a crossover. Kami-sama forbid that we should actually have one of those *again*. Especially me, because every time I end up in one... well, I won't go into detail here, but it's not a pretty sight." She turned around and continued walking towards the crevice.

For some reason that the others could not divine, Sailorjupiter had a quizzical look on her face. Moon, always willing and ready to be distracted, asked the Senshi of thunder, "Why do you have a quizzical look on your face?" She, too, was puzzled, and quite suddenly had a quizzical look on *her* face.

In reply, Jupiter looked at Sailormoon, and said, "Our characterization seems a little odd. In the last outing, we all took on radically skewed personalities, but this time... I don't know. It's eery, and I have a feeling that something is going to go terribly wrong." Just then, she clamped her own mouth, and realized that she had just said a *bad* thing.

The pit flared up, and after a little earthquake that measured only a four, five youmas burst forth from the crevice, and landing perfectly on the icy ground, they said together, "End of the line, Senshi."

"I knew it," Sailorjupiter said quietly, but then making a fist towards the sky, she said to the youmas, "Well, if it's the end of the line as we'll know it, then... I feel fine. Very fine! Am I right, my fellow Senshi?" she asked of her sometimes-friends.

At a loss for words, for they were all quite afraid of the powerful, dangerous, unstable Senshi of thunder, and even more afraid of her cooking, for she actually did a decent job. So the other four all nodded in agreement, though they did roll their eyes ever-so-slightly.

While the five Senshi were distracted with their own issues, the youmas had begun their little ploy. Four of them disappeared, while one remained, disguising herself (itself?) as Tuxedo Kamen. In a further attempt to grab their attention, the fake Tuxedo Kamen levitated a meter or two off the ground, looking as if "he" had been hung.

When Sailormoon looked at the area where the youmas had been, several seconds after their brief discussion, she shrieked. It was as if a Dead Scream had been activated, and yet none of the outer Senshi were there. The other four stared at Moon for a second as she ran towards Tuxedo Kamen, then fell flat on her face.

"Oh, my," Mercury said calmly, "We should probably stop her before she does something even sillier." As if on cue, Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Jupiter all jumped forward and landed right on Sailormoon's back, giving her several bone fractures, and another reason to scream, too.

Several seconds later, Sailorjupiter stood up. "Let me take care of this mess," she said, cracking her knuckles very loudly. But just as she was about to unleash an ungodly strong blast of thunder at Tuxedo Kamen, the youma changed its form again, this time into the young Motoki. Curiously, the youma did not change the position that it was levitating in, but it figured that the Senshi would not notice such a mistake. For once, a youma was right. (It was also at this moment that somewhere in South America, a pig flew.)

Jupiter blinked, and looked up, flabbergasted at what she saw. "*Motoki-chan*!" she yelled, ignoring all the social conventions, and ran towards the image.

Right then, the youma changed back into its normal form, which was a de reguir foe from Urotsukidoji. Having successfully made a silly crossover, the youma buried itself several meters below the ice, and shot itself into the air. Jupiter was seized by the youma's tentacles, and soon found herself about thirty-three meters above the earth. How curious my situation is, Sailorjupiter thought, Whatever shall I do? Let's see... I could shriek, as is the convention in anime, and end up getting it on with the youma. Or, perhaps, I could wait for the other Senshi to rescue me, since Tuxedo Kamen isn't feeling particularily well at the moment. Then there's the third option, which is self-sacrifice... it would kinda bite, like most forms of death do, but at least I'd get a cool death scene. Pity that it has to be this way...

Back on the ground, the other Senshi watched and waited. Their wait came to a full and complete stop when Jupiter unleashed the thunder blast from hell. In one shot, she deep-fried herself, the youma that had captured her, and one that happened to be standing nearby in sub-space. And yet the Senshi continued to watch as the small particles of dust that actually survived the blast floated downwards.

"Very nice," said Sailorvenus plainly, "I give it a nine."

The three remaining youma, realizing their gross tactical error, took several steps back. They hadn't liked that blast very much.

Moon looked around, and suddenly smiling, she said, "Makoto is dead! Makoto is--"

Feeling rather angsty that day, Mars slapped Sailormoon across the face twice. "Sailormoon no baka," she said, spitting at her fellow Senshi.

"How cliche," Sailormercury said, as practical as ever, "Now why don't we find out where the other three youmas went to? It wouldn't do much good for them to... ambush us," she said with a hint of a giggle in her voice.

Although Sailorvenus muttered, "I swear she's evil," all four of them walked forward, Mercury leading the way. As for Sailormoon, her eyes were on a sparrow that happened to be flying over their heads. But even she, the silly one, was a tad surprised to see the bird fall straight to the ground, and make a nice bloody mark on the ice. "Excuse me, minna," Sailormoon said, trying to sound like a good otaku, "I think there's a trap ahead."

Sure enough, one of the youma popped up right in front of Mercury. "Bye bye, Miss Japanese Pie," the youma said with a sneer on its ugly face, "This'll be the day--"

Standing solemnly before the foe, Mercury yawned. "Whatever," she said all-too-casually, and threw a barrage of bubbles at the youma.

Trying to play a little game with its enemy, the youma took out a sponge from sub-space and began to brush its back. "Thanks for the soap," it said flatly.

A bit stumped for a good comeback, Sailormercury shrugged. She asked the other three, "Anyone care to help me?"

No one responded, since the youma was already upon her. Having seized a moment for distraction, the youma turned into a moving boulder and rolled her over, while one of its compatriots came over and shot a ball of fire at her. Yet Mercury, not terribly surprised by all this, took out her computer and hit the "reset" button. After a quick reboot, it was online and running again. Despite the fact that she was now flatter than most pancakes, she opened the one program that she swore she would never use... the one thing with enough destructive capability to destroy a youma...


Immediately bombarded by flames and 404 Errors of every sort, the boulder-youma shrieked and spontaneously combusted. The other one, being more practical, ran the hell out of the way, and avoided the explosion.

A minute later, when the smoke cleared, all that remained was one very dead Senshi body and one very dead computer. "And to think," Mars said quietly, as was fitting for eulogizing her fellow Senshi, "She could have used Geocities."

Nodding in mute agreement, Venus then added, "Well, they're probably not done with their traps. Let me go first this time." Nimbly dodging the numerous cracks in the ground, Venus hopped, skipped, and jumped forward - and right into a youma-sized hole.

"This could be bad," Sailormoon said nonchalantly, and then walked up to the hole Venus had fallen into. She gazed over the side, and sure enough, there was the Senshi of... something, having a nice little armaggedon-size battle with one of the youmas. "So, Sailormars," Moon asked calmly, "What do you make of this?"

Pausing for only a moment, Mars replied, "I have a curious feeling that the battle may cause some aftershocks. In short - Moon, you may wish to step aside." The black-haired Senshi took a few cautious steps away from the locale of the fight herself.

Taking the advice of Sailormars for the first time in her life, Moon walked away from the fissure. (Around the same time, the temperature of Hell went down ten degrees Celsius.)

And then the explosion came. Cringing in fear of both being hit and the obvious feminine symbolism, Sailormoon and Sailormars looked back up, only in time to see a small hill appear in the place of the crevice. A few strands of Venus' hair rested atop the mock tomb.

"Pretty cool, I'd have to say," said Mars, clapping her hands together, then facing the leader of the Senshi, commented, "One youma left, and there's two of us. Let's see... who should fight this next one? I have a coin to flip."

Scratching her head, Sailormoon replied, "Hmmmm... if this pattern holds, then there'll be only one of us left to face Beryl-sama. I'm going to assume that the Queen isn't terribly weak... and I will have to admit that my powers really kick ass." Shrugging, she said to Mars, "But if you're not up for death, then that's quite fine with me." She took off her headpiece and began spinning it on her fingers.

Though slightly put off by her fellow Senshi's sudden use of vulgarities, Mars said, "I'll go - don't know why the hell not. Just remember, Sailormoon, that if anyone even *implies* that the two of us had something going on..."

Nodding her head in comprehension, Moon said happily, "There won't be shit left!"

Without another word, Mars strode forth into the battle that she knew waited. But after two minutes, she had reached the crater where the youmas had originated... and the last one wasn't anywhere in sight. "Come here, little youma," Mars said loudly, "I know you want to fight. Well? Hurry up!" She tapped her high heels against the ice.

The youma showed up, floating two meters above ground level, with a depressed look on its face. "You're mean, Senshi," the youma said angrily, "I don't like it when superheroines beat me up." The youma began shedding crocodile tears.

"Neither do I," Mars replied, still sounding impatient, "But it's not like I'd care." She shot the foe with a fireball and several dozen ofuda scrolls.

Though on fire, cursed several times over, and about to split into individual molecules, the youma cried back, "You *are* mean." It exploded in a massive sphere, which soon enveloped Mars in its radius.

Thirty seconds later, Moon looked up, and examined the ground where the fight had been. She saw a few of Sailormars' bones, but that was about all. Nodding with approval, she thought, Now... let's see what I can do with their leader. I do so enjoy death... And so Sailormoon jumped down into the pit.


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This page was created, by John Alan Riggs, on September 22, 1998. For disclaimers, please refer to the indexes.