--Alan -- It's been a while... anybody out there? ###################################################################### Sailormoon and the Holy Grail Scenes 3 - 5 A spamfic By Alan (John Alan Riggs) ###################################################################### -- Scene 3: RETIREMENT! I Go, I Talk, I Get Confused. -- [A quiet garden in a vast park. It is spring, and the air is choked with cherry blossoms. In this setting, the camera focuses on Ail and Ann, who are sitting in the grass, beneath a tree. They are alone, as the wide-angle shot shows. Curiously, both are naked, yet they are sitting a meter apart.] Ail: My, it is a quiet day. Ann: Yes, indeed. It is a quiet day. Ail: I have also noticed that it is very still. Ann: Truer words were never spoken. Ail: Were they? Ann: No, they were not. Ail: Theoretically, though, they could be. Ann: Yes, theoretically. But we're not presently dealing on a theoretical basis, are we? Ail: Not as far as I know. Ann: Nor as far as I know. Ail: So why even bring it up? Ann: I don't know. Ail: Curious. Ann: Most curious. [Noticing that most of the audience is asleep or leaving, Haruka and Michiru enter the scene. They park their cherry blossoms at the park's gate, put two coins in the parking meter, then leave the parking spot, and park themselves in the scene.] Haruka: Greetings. Michiru: Good day to you. [Ann and Ail do not notice the lovers, and stare right past them - right through their legs, to be precise.] Haruka: ... [sweatdrop] Michiru: Stop that! Haruka: Hai. [no sweatdrop] Michiru: Now, back to business. Clearly, these two odd individuals have not noticed us. I take this as a sign that something is amiss. Haruka: Indeed. Michiru: At present, I have two operable theories. One - these two individuals are at fault, for they well could be completely oblivious to all sensory data. Two - we are at fault, for we well could have wandered into an entirely alien universe. Haruka: Those are most plausible theories, yes. Michiru: Thank you. I most wholeheartedly agree. Ail: May I help you? Haruka: ...! [sweatdrop] Ann: Go ahead. We're listening. Michiru: Dear me. And all this time, I was assuming -- Ail: No need. We've just been acting out our William Blake fantasy. Don't mind us. Haruka: [sotto] I wish I could act. Ann: In any event, feel free to talk. Michiru: Very well. My partner and I are on a quest for the Holy Grail. Could you be of assistance to us? Ail: That wasn't very good grammar, you know. Michiru: ... [sweatdrop] Ann: I agree. It sounded like MixxGrammar. Haruka: Hey! Michiru: [sotto] Do we have to plug something in every scene? Haruka: Well, Michiru-honey, we did make it our policy to make light of the things we enjoy. Ail: Are you done yet? Michiru: ...Yes. Now then, could you wait a second? We need your cooperation-- [Rei dashes into the scene, leaping right over Ail and Ann.] Ann: Hello to you, too. Ail: Haven't seen you in a while, Rei. Hello. Rei: OK... hold on a moment... and pardon me for saying this, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Haruka: Hai! [Haruka stumbles backwards.] Michiru: It's a bit hard to explain, Rei-chan, 'cause we're still sorting through this at the moment. Now, Haruka-dear, where were we? Rei: [sotto] Rei-chan? Haruka: I believe, Michiru-honey, that you were about to get your next two heart crystal samples. Michiru: Right-o. Stand by... Rei: Ms. Ten'oh, why is she doing this? Haruka: Um... you see... that is... Michiru: Heart crystal thieving... action! Ann: We're getting a mite bit too personal here-- AAH! Ail: Augh! Oh, my groin. Rei: [sotto] Someone needs an acting lesson. [Michiru now holds the aliens' crystals in her hands. Haruka and her enter a huddle. Same camera action as before.] Michiru: I dunno want t' make o' this one. Haruka: Aye, laddy. They be dirtier than the fields of Bannockburn. Michiru: Hai. ~_~ Haruka: Hai! That was fun. Let's try another one. Just give me a minute or two... Michiru: Well, we really should be going. Haruka: Ooh, I got one. Here goes... [cough] Spock... explain! Michiru: Haruka-dear, we need to return the crystals. Haruka: That... is a secret! Michiru: Haruka-*dear*! Haruka: Oh, right. Sorry. Michiru: Go, heart crystals! Fly back to your original owners... soiled and stained as you are... Haruka: I said I'm sorry. My Xell-- Michiru: Forget it. [They un-huddle, only to find the other three staring at them. From the camera's point-of-view, the faces of Ail, Ann, and Rei tower before the Outers.] Rei: You're quite the little bastards, aren't you? Haruka: Michiru-honey, do return the crystals. Michiru: Hai. '_' [She hands back their heart crystals.] Ann: Thank you so *bloody* much. Ail: Now I know how it feels to play my heart out. Haruka: We're very, very, very sorry. Rei: You'd better be. If not, you're gonna get a few fireballs up the wazoo. Michiru: Haruka-dear, I've got a quick confession to make. Every time I think of Mars, I accidentally end up saying Lina Inverse's catch- phrases. Rei: Oh, really? Michiru: Yes. Gotta go. Come along, Haruka-dear... Haruka: Hai! ^_^ [The two Outers flee the garden, snagging their supplies of cherry blossoms as they exit the stage.] Rei: Those little bastards... Ann: Don't worry. I'm sure you'll catch up with them in a few scenes. Ail: By that time, Jupiter will have joined the group... [drool] Ann: Oh, crap. Anyway, Rei, you'll get a better role in the rest of this. Rei: Thanks. I just wish the blue-haired one hadn't called me Rei- chan. Ann: I can understand that... I think. Ail: What would you prefer to be called? Ann: No more talk out of you, buddy! [Ann bops Ail on the head. He falls to the ground.] Rei: Oh, anything. It's really nothing more than a little personal quirk... an odd, non-sequitur idiosyncracy. Ann: Very well then. Have a good chase. Rei: Why, thank you. [Rei runs off, pushing the garden gate open as she exits.] Ail: Well... that was amusing... Ann: You're one to talk. We're in retirement, Ail. Witty lines are entirely out of the question. Ail: Uh... yeah. Ann: Still... Ail: Yes? Ann: Someday, we're going to have to reproduce, repopulate, procreate... you know what I mean, right? Ail: Yes. Ann: Well, when we have our offspring, what I want to do is... Ail: Yes? Ann: Start an autonomous collective. Ail: ... [sweatdrop] [The scene fades to pink.] -- 4: GENIUS! Of All Possible Worlds, This is the Worst. -- [The scene opens on a bridge, situated over untroubled water. On this broad, gray stone edifice are two figures: Sailormercury and Umino. They stand near each other, in battle-ready poses.] Mercury: Huah! I attack you! Umino: No, how can you? What did I ever do? [Pausing, the Sailor looks at her opponent, and laughs.] Mercury: Oh, you just *had* to ask. [Cut to a more peaceful scene: Haruka and Michiru walking towards the bridge. They can see it in the distance, and they hear the muffled voices.] Michiru: Haruka-dear, it seems something is amiss. Haruka: Yes. Michiru: Let us slowly approach the scene, and threaten to do something about it. Haruka: Yes, like always. [Cut back to the ensuing battle.] Mercury: Well, Umino-boy, let's start from the beginning. Do you remember Transformation Sequence chapter 3? Umino: Not at the moment... Mercury: Well, I remember it. Yes, I remember it well. I challenged a certain odango-atama... [Back to the Outers, who are drawing closer to the bridge.] Haruka: I heard that. She means meatball-head, right? Michiru: Yes, the one otherwise known as cow-tails. Haruka: Or whatever. It hardly matters. Michiru: Precisely, Haruka-dear. Perchance, do you know what an odango is? Haruka: Sorry. No can do. Michiru: 'Tis a pity... For an odango is a most wonderful and precious thing... pleasant to the eye, appealing to the belly. Haruka: So, do *you* know what an odango is? Michiru: No. Haruka: Hai... [sweatdrop] [Meanwhile...] Mercury: ...to a well-known video game, and beat her easily. Shortly after, I went with that redhead girl and *you* to my night-school. Umino: Yeah, I remember that, Ami. Mercury: Pity. You shouldn't, 'cause that was an entirely different continuity. Umino: Ummm, anyway, what does that one, brief, ineffectual fanfic scene got to do with anything? Mercury: Not much. It's just that it really got me pIsSeD oFf! [Mercury shakes her body vigorously.] Umino: Hai... But you will have to admit that Transformation Sequence is one of the first fanfics where I've had some sort of role beyond minor comic relief. Mercury: True. Beyond "Burning Bright," of course. Umino: Yeah, I know. Still, only LeVar Bouyer actually remembers that one, and he's a Japanese-version fan. It kinda sucks, huh? Mercury: Very much so. [Slowly, the Outers reach the bridge, and share the same camera shot. Their facial expressions are pained and grim, for they wish to advance the plot.] Umino: Oh-oh... we're in trouble. Mercury: Gotta finish this battle quick. Sorry 'bout this, kid... [Quickly, she decapitates Umino, and then slices up his major limbs.] Michiru: Ooh, very impressive! Are you, perhaps, a Kamui fan? Mercury: From CLAMP's X series, right? Michiru: Yes. The one, the only -- Kamui Shiro. Mercury: Yes. Who isn't? Haruka: [sotto] That's not relevant, Michiru-honey. Michiru: I know. Just a second... Mercury: Right, then... Michiru: I'm sorry that I got the narrative derailed. Mercury: [whisper] There's no narrative in this. Michiru: I knew that. Anyway... what I'm trying to say is... Haruka: Before you were interrupted. Michiru: Yes, BEFORE that. Now then, Mizuno, we want to pass over this bridge. That is our one item of business with you. Mercury: Right, right. Ahem... NoNe ShAlL pAsS. Haruka: Right-o, Torgo-sama... [snicker] Michiru: Well, blue-hair, are there any other bridges in this prefecture? Mercury: NoNe ShAlL pAsS. Michiru: Right-o. Then, Akane-impersonator, is there any running water under the bridge? Haruka: Nice meaningless pop culture reference. Michiru: Why, thank you, Haruka-dear. But what I need now is not inane commentary, but answers. Mercury: NoNe ShAlL pAsS. Michiru: I knew she'd say that! Haruka: Calm down, dearie. Michiru: Heh... Nobody's gonna calm me down now. I'm really PiSsEd OfF, and nobody's gonna get in my freakin' way! Haruka: Oh, dear. [sweatdrop] [Michiru transforms into Neptune. A long sequence and several yawns later, she strikes Mercury with a Deep Submerge attack.] Mercury: Ha! You can do better than that. Neptune: I certainly can, dearheart. Watch me. [Neptune attacks again. She knocks Mercury on her back.] Mercury: Ah, that was nothing. Neptune: Yeah, right. Let me *punish you* again. [The next shot knocks Mercury's blouse right off her body.] Mercury: Fool, you're not even touching me. Neptune: Little bastard... Haruka: Funny -- the scene is just now starting to pick up. [The next blast knocks Mercury's skirt off.] Neptune: I do suggest you give it up. Mercury: Never! You shall not pass. Neptune: It's really quite clear that you're losing. I can tell even from your obviously fumbled line. The phrase is, "NoNe ShAlL pAsS." Haruka: [sotto] She does that rather well. Mercury: Oh, whatever. Neptune: Right - right. Let me just freakin' take your ugly, unattractive clothes off. "Whatever," she says. I'll show you "whatever"! Haruka: She did say "whatever," just like you said. Neptune: ...Yeah, whatever I said. Now, can we-- Mercury: I said "whatever" like she said "whatever" like she said you said "whatever" like whatever you were saying. [Haruka, in the backdrop, faints. Neptune, however, takes the initiative and knocks off Mercury's under- garments.] Neptune: Well, now you have it. Happy now? Satisfied? [Quickly, Haruka gets back up.] Haruka: Precisely. You're butt naked-- Mercury: Except for shoes and socks. Neptune: Yes, yes, except for your freakin' shoes and socks. But my question is-- Mercury: --is-- Haruka: --is-- Neptune: Will you freakin' GIVE UP? [A moment's pause.] Mercury: ...No. [Haruka faints again. Michiru picks up her lover and runs off, not once looking back.] Mercury: 'Tis a pity. [Another pause.] Mercury: [screaming] I'm invincible! [A second later, Rei enters. She is tired and out of breath. The acolyte is weary of trying to catch up to Haruka and Michiru.] Rei: Ami-kid! What the heck happened to you... Mercury: I said I'm invincible. Need I repeat it? Rei: No. But do explain yourself. Mercury: Oh, don't you worry about me, Rei-chan. Everything is gonna be-- [In a burst of fury, Rei slaps her friend.] Rei: Ixnay on the gratuitous use of honorifics! Mercury: ...I am... invincible... [Rei drags the genius away by her hair.] -- 5: SUPERHERO! The Vicarious Vengeance of Minako Aino. -- [The scene opens on a wide city square, bare except for the occasional small bush. Through this setting walk a procession of tourists, each one bearing a large guidebook. Every few seconds, the procession meets up with a telephone pole. The group leader bumps into it, the line recoils, and the head in a different direction. [But that isn't important right now. Rather, as the tourists disperse, we see a large mob of unwashed prole scum. They are gathered in the square, and are equipped with large, colorful banners. In the middle of this crowd is Minako Aino. She is bound up by ropes, wearing a large, gaudy cape, and spandex leggings in addition to her ordinary outfit. She looks rather disgusted, not unlike the audience.] Crowd: Destroy her! Attack her! She's a superhero! Minako: I said I'm not a superhero. Crowd: Yes, yes she is. Yes you are! Yes you is! Minako: [sotto] Why do my roles in fanfics so often suck? [From stage right, Usagi Tsukino enters. She is in a plain, conservative outfit. Furthermore, her face is stuck in a serious, nonchalant expression.] Usagi: Clear out, people. Seems we have a bit of a problem here. Now, what seems to be the issue? [A random person pops out of the crowd. Upon examination, one can see it is Shampoo. She is happy to make an unexpected cameo.] Shampoo: Is superhero, Minako! Usagi: Right, right. Now, friends, let us sort through this dilemma in an organized manner. Crowd: Uh-huh, yeah... Minako: [sotto] Did I mention this really sucks? Usagi: Now -- what determines whether a person is in fact a superhero or not? What is one defining constraint? [Haruka and Michiru quietly enter the scene. They are sticking to the shadows.] Michiru: Look at her. All out of character. Haruka: Hai. Poor odango. [Cut back to the crowd. Another random person appears. This time, it is Catsy from the R series. She is still on the side of good, much to everyone's dismay.] Catsy: Ah... perhaps... a secret identity? Usagi: Not necessarily. [Random #3: Makoto from El-Hazard... that is, an ordinary lad who happens to be an occasional cross-dresser and a Tenchi-like figure.] Makoto: How about an unusual power? Shampoo: Shampoo know! Adherence to Comics Code. Usagi: All most fascinating possibilities, I concur. But I had one in mind that is rather different: the person must have their own self-titled series. Crowd: Ooh! [Cut back to our favorite couple of dirty, back-stabbing bastards.] Haruka: I knew that. Michiru: I'm quite sure, dearest. [Cut back to the mob scene.] Usagi: Dah. Howz 'bout you clear you out so Iz can discuss buz-ness proposition with little 'Nako. Catsy: [whisper] By mob, I think the narrator meant the *crowd*. Usagi: Oh. I knew that. Catsy: ...Anyway, you might be right. Minako: So... how do you plan to prove such a half-baked, half-gassed assumption? Usagi: Quite easily, Minako-friend. We have copies of the collected Sailor V comics. Minako: How did you get your hands on such rarities? Usagi: Well... technically, I live in modern, industrial Japan, so it's not all that hard. But even if I didn't, I could still just trek out to a half-decent Asia- town, find a semi-sleazy bookstore, and get copies of the graphic novels. Minako: Is it really that easy? Usagi: In theory, yes. In practice... Crowd: Ummm... she's a superhero! Usagi: Yes, yes -- I'm getting back on track, slowly but surely. Now, my friends, what do you *do* with an unveiled superhero? Crowd: Uh... duh... Shampoo: Put in spring of drowned normal person? Makoto: I... I guess you shouldn't let them get a sequel OAV series... [Quite suddenly, the Outers make their way into the scene.] Michiru: Wrap her in plastic. Crowd: Ah! Usagi: Rather clever, that - after all, most Japanese-edition GNs are packaged as such. Michiru: Am I good, or what? Haruka: Can I answer that? Michiru: No. Minako: ...If I might raise a question... Usagi: Well, *superhero*? Go ahead, speak up. I might just choose to listen. Minako: ...So, basically, if I understand you correctly, you're going to package me in plastic, all to satisfy your megalomaniacal desires? Usagi: In a word, yes. Minako: This sucks. Catsy: Right. We're established your feelings. Now on with the scene! [The crowd drags Minako offstage.] Michiru: Well, then! That was certainly diverting. Haruka: Perchance, friend, might you be a part of the Sailor team? Usagi: Oh... Yeah, that's right. If I hadn't made it clear earlier, I'm known as Usagi "The Nasty Rabbit" Tsukino, but you might know me better as Sailormoon. Now - what about you? Haruka: Hoo boy... here we go again. Michiru: Oh, I do so love introducing myself! Let it be known, throughout the province and the world beyond, that I am Michiru... Haruka: Ho-hum. Boring. [A couple minutes pass.] Michiru: ...and that's all you need to know about me. Usagi: Well, that's very nice and all. But we still need to find about six more Sailors. Haruka: Actually, you can now reduce that number to four. We've been working on that problem in our spare time. Michiru: Was that what we were doing? Haruka: Ummm - yes. Anyway, we ran across a real goofy gal called Rei, and a rather stubborn individual named Ami. And that's just over the last 36 hours or so. Michiru: Funny... the other four would be Pluto, Saturn, Jupiter, and Venus, right? Usagi: Indeed. That's what I know. Michiru: Therefore, I presume that we're gonna let the Starlights off the hook - out of the picture - in the midst of retcon-land? Haruka: Yes. They can just sod off. Michiru: [whisper] Sailor Star Love's gonna kill us for that... Haruka: Well, then! Shall we go, Michiru- honey? Michiru: Yes, we shall, Haruka-dear. Haruka: Together. Michiru: Yes, together. Haruka & Michiru: Venus, WAIT UP! [In a burst of energy, the two Outers dash offstage.] Usagi: ...oopsie... [Brief pause. Usagi stands onstage, looking forlorn.] Usagi: Guess I should make amends... or something-- [In another burst of energy, Rei (still dragging Ami, though the blue-haired one is now dressed) runs up towards her compatriot, and smacks right into her.] Rei: OW! ...Stupid, stupid Outers... Usagi: Uh. Heh heh heh -- hello, Rei. Rei: Well. I certainly didn't expect to meet *you* here, Usagi-person. Usagi: Nor did I, Rei-human. Rei: Heh heh. Fate has a way, doesn't it? Usagi: It does. Anyway, Rei, by the way, what's that you're carrying? Rei: That would be our friend Ami-genius. She's been a bit more delusional than normal lately. Usagi: I see. Rei: Well, I've been keeping busy. In fact, I've spent several hours trying to catch up to those crazy, wacky Outers, and now I'm pretty darn close. Ami: Those darn Outers. They're wacky! Rei: Just go back to sleep, OK? Usagi: That's correct. I was just talking with them a moment ago. Now, the question is - where did they go now? Rei: Well, Usagi, since I'm obviously having no luck in finding them, the logical thing to do would be for us to look for them together. Usagi: Yes. That would make a lot of sense. Rei: All right then! Let's split up and *find them*! Usagi: Hai! [The two run offstage, chasing the two Xellos-scale elusive ones.] -- NEXT TIME: The beginning of the second season (since it has been several months)--Sailormoon and the Holy Grail Q. (And for those who were wondering, the Q stands for "quest.") Interlude: COMPILATION! The book of the fanfic of the film of the... #1: FUTURE! An odd glimpse into Crystal Tokyo. #2: DEITY! The god of SM appears. Not who you'd expect. NOTE IN CLOSING: For better or worse, I'm back. The Q series will begin in a week or two. At the same time, I'm going to post fanfics of actual quality--the stuff I created over the summer. Please e-mail me if you'd like to see the previous installments. I'd be willing to send them in a few days. -Alan, the wanderer of Net eternity Anime writings: Elfquest site: This was re-re-posted, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on September 30, 1999. All copyrights revert back to the owners.