--Alan -- For Fall 1999... a second season! ############################################### Sailormoon and the Holy Grail Q (Quest) Scenes 0-2 A spamfic By Alan (John Alan Riggs) ############################################### 0: INTERLUDE! Another Idea, Another Season. -- [The scene opens on a thick-packed, sparsely decorated interior room. Haruka and Michiru are sitting on chairs, having a conversation.] HARUKA: Where were we last, Michiru-honey? I have forgotten. MICHIRU: Oh, don't you worry about that, Haruka- dear. Thanks to the watch I got from Miss Setsuna, I can keep track of things quite well. HARUKA: Heh. And to think that a certain other couple received nothing but a broken, worn-down toy watch. MICHIRU: It is quite a humor-provoking thought. Rather funny. Heh. HARUKA: Heh. Heh heh. MICHIRU: Heh heh. HARUKA: Oh dear. While we were pondering the curious humor of the situation, it looks like someone has rung our doorbell. This is an odd turn of events. MICHIRU: Indeed, it is. I wonder who'd actually come to our garbage-strewn, rain-soaked, broken- down trailer? HARUKA: [whisper] We live in a trailer? MICHIRU: Yes, Haruka-dear, we do. My description of the soundstage was perfectly accurate. HARUKA: B-but this is a freakin' *soundstage*. MICHIRU: Oh, look. The doorbell rung again. I'll go get it. [Michiru walks to the door.] HARUKA: Hmmmmph... we do not live in a trailer! Whoever thought up that rumor is gonna get knocked around a few times by my sword. [sotto] I bet it was those Pioneer people. [Michiru re-enters, with Setsuna by her side.] MICHIRU: Welcome to our humble abode, Miss Setsuna. SETSUNA: What a dump! MICHIRU: [whisper] See? See what I mean, Haruka-dear? HARUKA: [sotto] It's a bloody soundstage. MICHIRU: Sorry, Miss Setsuna. She's bitter and inconsolable at the moment. Care for some tea? SETSUNA: Why, yes. Thank you, Miss Michiru. HARUKA: [sotto] Mr. Bateman, you're fussin' next. SETSUNA: Miss Haruka, you really should calm down. HARUKA: [beat] I suppose, I suppose. Still, have you seen the SuperS movie? SETSUNA: Huh? HARUKA: Oh. That's right--it hasn't yet happened in this continuity. Really, a pity. I was so ready to complain. MICHIRU: Here's your tea, ladies. SETSUNA: Thanks again. [drinks it] Not bad, not bad! HARUKA: Indeed. Michiru-honey, is this Sasami's recipe? MICHIRU: Actually... HARUKA: If you ask me, it's either that or Anthy Himemiya's. MICHIRU: Actually... SETSUNA: Don't you worry your pretty head over it. Sit down. MICHIRU: Hai... [sweatdrop] *** [Same place, different Bat-time. Suddenly, Hotaru is in the scene.] HOTARU: Look here, guys, I was ABOUT to have my important introduction scene, and you rushed right past it! HARUKA: Sorry, Child Hotaru. It won't happen again. By the way... Miss Setsuna, could you pass some of those marvelous crackers? SETSUNA: Certainly, Miss Haruka. Enjoy. HOTARU: Um... excuse me? May I kindly request a few more apologies from you? MICHIRU: Right-o. I'm very sorry, Hotaru. My behavior was quite inexcusable. And while I must confess to not being very good at dramatic speeches, I can pull off any number of Shinji Ikari skits-- HOTARU: *Next*! SETSUNA: All right, all right. Sheesh, this isn't Transformation Sequence. In any event... I'm sorry, Hotaru. Hope you believe me. HOTARU: That's better. This time I really can say thank you. HARUKA: Now that our disagreement is over, though, I have just one question to ask. MICHIRU: Feel free to ask it, Haruka-dear. HARUKA: Thank you, Michiru-honey. Child Hotaru, how precisely did you enter this scene? HOTARU: I... um.. that is... I don't-- SETSUNA: Hey, don't pressure her now. Hotaru's been through a lot lately, what with being an experimental Eva pilot and whatnot. HOTARU: I don't recall. One minute, I was floating out in fanfic limbo, and the next... MICHIRU: Puzzling. Quite puzzling. HARUKA: That reminds me... we have a story to finish! SETSUNA: Oh, no. Not Sailormoon and the Holy Grail again... HARUKA: I'm afraid so. SETSUNA: Crap. I haven't been in a scene yet, and I already dislike it. HARUKA: Too late. We need to finish it soon. Michiru-honey, if you will... MICHIRU: Scene changing... HOTARU: Oh, great. I need to get changed. MICHIRU: Action! [In one neat, clean explosion, the scene ends.] -- 1: COMPILATION! Gather Me Heroes. -- [And so the newly re-united quintet went on to find the four missing Sailors. It was a long, arduous journey...] REI: [voiceover] You can narrate that again. [But it was not long before the team was back to nine members once again. Returning to the Sailor chosen for Sailormoon and the Holy Grail Q was Sailorjupiter, she of thunder...] JUPITER: [vo] One psycho martial artist coming up! [Sailorpluto, the controller of time...] PLUTO: [vo] If only I could re-arrange my contract... [Sailorsaturn, the mysterious one, the mistress of silence...] SATURN: [vo] Will I ever get another line? [And Sailorlittlemoon, the Sailor that wouldn't die...] LITTLEMOON: [vo] I'm cute!! [...who almost stood up to the powerful Wiseman...] LITTLEMOON: [vo] I'm pink!! [...and who had nearly confronted Kaolinite's pet penguin...] LITTLEMOON: [vo] My mommy has a penguin!! [And, lastly, the aptly named Sailornon- appearing.] SEIYA, TAIKI, YATEN: [vo] (grumble, grumble) [All of them would go on to glory, fame, sequels, and better fanfics.] MINAKO: [vo] I would hope so. All these voice- overs are becoming annoying. [Thus, we march on to the next scene...] -- 2: FUTURE! Augustine Had a City of God, Takeuchi Had a City of a Rabbit. -- [The Sailors stand on a green hill. They are looking in the direction of Mt. Fuji.] USAGI: Really, Lady Setsuna, you must tell me more about your continuity-noninterference theory. SETSUNA: It's really very simple. If you put one fanfic in one continuity--say, the Mixx variation-- USAGI: A rare sight to see. SETSUNA: True. Not many people would do a thing like that. I really worry about them. Still, in any event... you shouldn't cross it over with a fanfic from a different time/event continuum. [Slowly, they reach the top of the hill. A single tree stands there. The Sailors can now see a large city, sparkling even in the midday sun.] AMI: Is that what I think it is? MINAKO: Ami-genius, we don't have the slightest clue as to what you're thinking about. Clarify. AMI: Sorry. I'll hide in my corner now. HARUKA: Well, to me, it looks like that future city-thing. You get me? MICHIRU: I got you babe! HARUKA: [whisper] Michiru-honey, there is a certain line of perversion that shouldn't be crossed. SETSUNA: Actually, it does look like Crystal Tokyo. USAGI: Hmmm... I hate to intrude on you once again, Lady Setsuna, but what *is* Crystal Tokyo? MICHIRU: [whisper] Well, you're one to talk, Haruka-dear. This is coming from the woman who made rather specific Robert Jordan references, but in a rather different context... SETSUNA: Hai... You know, Usagi, you're beginning to resemble your future-daughter. LITTLE USAGI: Did someone call me? Hello? Huh? SETSUNA: [gruff] No. Now go away. HARUKA: [whisper] Be quiet! Just be quiet! [For an instant, all are silent.] MICHIRU: Uh-oh. [Michiru pulls a dayplanner out of hammerspace, and flips through it.] SETSUNA: Anyway... this is Crystal Tokyo, kids. Love it or leave it. HOTARU: It doesn't look like I remember it. HARUKA: That's because you've never seen it before, Child Hotaru. HOTARU: Oh. My bad. HARUKA: Besides, this is only a fanfic. REI: Hmmm... I wonder what the city is like. AMI: Not a wise move, Priestess. REI: Why's that, Ami-genius? AMI: Oh, you wouldn't want to know, Rei-kid. After all, Crystal Tokyo might be a city of *loonies*. REI: Doesn't scare me one bit. MICHIRU: Hmmm... the Silence is still a ways off, but... AMI: So then, Rei-individual, what would scare you? REI: Not so much loonies as Moonies. AMI: Ah, yes. Fanboys are a problem. REI: True. I trust anti-Moonies more than the others. But who am I kidding... MICHIRU: Haruka-dear, I have a cunning plan. HARUKA: Oh, really? State it at your will. MICHIRU: Why, thank you, Haruka-dear. [coughs] Camera boy! Cut to Crystal Tokyo scene! [The camera person cuts to a scene showing an outdoor pavilion, somewhere amidst the clutter and urban decay of Crystal Tokyo. In the shot, we see the numerous, nameless monsters of the first 2.5 seasons. They all seem to be having a good time as they sing...] MONSTERS: We the few, the un-ack-know-ledged all go here for monster college. Most say our songs are quite unpolished some say should be abolished... [Quick cut to Jadeite. The currently dead general is sitting in a bathtub, reading a copy of Animerica Extra. He notices the camera.] JADEITE: Someone help me... [Cut back to our gaping group of heroines (and would-be heroines).] MINAKO: Man... now I have all sorts of regrets about the place. I don't want to be the Queen's protector! I want a job with good life insurance and side benefits. MAKOTO: As do I, friend, as do I. MICHIRU: [sotto] Odd. That's only her first line. AMI: Though I courteously defer, young woman, first I must know who you are. MAKOTO: Who, me? AMI: Yes, you. MAKOTO: Huh? We've known each other for over two seasons, Ami-kid. How can you not remember me? AMI: Well, I don't. You've been around our group, being awfully quiet. Aren't you that cross-dresser from an OAV series? MAKOTO: No, that would be Makoto Mizuhara. For your knowledge, Mizuno, I've never had to impersonate a princess. Rather, I'm commonly known as the minor butch-- HARUKA: [sotto] Did I hear what I think I heard? MAKOTO: --as well as a karate maniac-- HARUKA: [sotto] Plus she adds a continuity glitch. She's going down. MAKOTO: --as well as the boy-lovin', body- chasin', Takahashi-scale man-obsessed brooder on my upperclassman. AMI: You mean "sempai." MAKOTO: You do remember! Caught your bluff. AMI: ... [sweatdrop] USAGI: Anyway, I think we're all in agreement now. Crystal Tokyo, beneath the glitz, glamor, and 24-hour coffee bars, is the pits. ALL OTHERS: Indeed. USAGI: The next stop, then, is Crystal Worchester! [All the other Sailors faint.] -- NEXT TIME: 3: DEITY! There's a Mamoru in the Sky 4: MANUFACTURE! Invasion of the Clones and possibly more. Posted by Alan on September 3, 1999. "Sailor Moon" is copyright 1992-7 Naoko Takeuchi, Bandai, Kodansha Comics, DiC, Buena Vista, Mixx, Pioneer, and others. Elfquest site: eq_addiction>