--Alan -- The fanfic I never thought I'd write... ###################################################################### Year of the Rabbit A dark fanfic Loosely based on the "Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon" continuity ###################################################################### OPENING THOUGHTS: Just so you're warned... 1) This fanfic takes place after the Stars season, but those events are not relevant to what happens in this fanfic. 2) I tried to write this from Usagi's perspective. The characterization might be a bit odd, but I did intend it to be similar to the series. -- Week 1: Today, my friend Aino Minako committed suicide. On the Western calendar, I think today would be early February 1999 - but I tend to lose track of things like that. Besides, it hardly matters. It's been four hours or so since I heard the news. I've spent the time in my room, alone, trying to figure this out. This isn't a hard thing - I can say that without contradiction. Anyway, I guess her death has driven me to create a little diary for myself. Yeah, maybe it's a silly, childish thing to do. But why should I have to apologize for my own actions? No, I guess I'm doing this to keep my sanity. That's something I fear losing. Week 2: A week ago today, Minako was found dead in her bed. I still don't know exactly what happened, but the police and the Aino family tell me that there was no cause for her death. They apparently found no weapons, no poisons, no nothing. Furthermore, they couldn't come up with a motive on why she would commit suicide. Two days ago was her funeral. Peace be with your ashes, Minako. I miss you. Week 3: Yesterday, I made a few phone calls. One of the people I called was Hotaru. She said something odd, something that bothered me: that I was about ready to exchange personalities with her. What does that mean? I asked myself. I'm sorry to say that I don't have an easy answer for that. I don't know exactly what she meant - but I honestly don't care to. Week 4: I think I'm ready to move on. Tomorrow, I plan to give Mamoru a proposition that he won't forget: marriage. Wish me luck. Week 5: These are the days that try my soul. Yeah, that makes no sense. So what? I really don't care. To wit: Mamoru was completely neutral. That I didn't expect. I wanted him to either sweep me off my feet, or say "No, I'm not ready." But he just didn't give me an answer. Was he trying to tell me something by telling me nothing? Wish I knew. Week 6: Nothing. I tell you truth - nothing has happened. Week 7: This morning, I met Mr. Aino. He's a pleasant, intelligent man. Maybe he wouldn't be the ideal parent, but he hardly appeared to me as a suspicious character. But he gave me something that has bothered me since - the last note Minako left. It all sounds so stereotypical, doesn't it? A person scribbles a last letter to their loved ones before leaving. Now, though, I wish that stereotype were true. That's because the note she left is terribly ambiguous. I shouldn't repeat what she wrote - that would be betrayal - but she basically said something like this... "Usagi has been a good friend. But I wish I could be able to confide in her." True, true, she didn't just write about me. But that's not important now. The thing is that I have *no clue* what her statement meant. Week 8: No answers, only questions. Spring is still coming, right? Week 9: I am writing this in Minako's room. After all the news, all the rumors, and all the exploitative nonsense I've heard, I had to see the place for myself. If I may make a bold, sweeping statement, the truth hurts. I thought there'd be a palpable presence of her in this place. That's how it works in fiction. But I felt nothing, and I don't know why. All I see are her souvenirs, dusty and tired. The scent of her perfume still lingers. But she is *not* here. The broken pottery of her legacy just isn't the same. Week 10: Rei saw me on the street today. Normally, I'm perky and optimistic in public. The way I see it, if they knew anything else about me, they'd fall dead from shock. So that's the way I am, especially around my friends. But I never thought they'd see the thing I've turned into. For a few spare minutes, Rei and I had a conversation. It seems she's been taking the last two months rather well. "What about you?" she asked. I didn't have an answer then, and I still don't. Week 11: Spring has arrived, but I am the same. Week 12: I've been moping around far too long. What I *should* do - more than anything else - is to talk about this with my friends. After all, I've been thinking, how long are they going to be around? Sure, Serenity may have bought us a piece of eternal real estate, but what is she to the here and now? Tomorrow, I want to get back together with them. Because of winter, because of mounting school assignments, because of my grieving, I've gotten out of touch with them. Tomorrow, that will end. Week 13: Good news - these months have been just as hard for my friends as they have been for me. Let me go through a little of a list here. I need something like this to collect and connect my thoughts... Ami's grown up quite a bit over the last few years, but I guess she's also grown distant. Last year, she finally gave up her traditional study schedule, and that definitely made her a different person. These days, she may laugh more than before, but when it comes to serious matters, she shudders and stays silent. I don't know if we could help her in any way. Maybe we could teach her to feel, but wouldn't that be a bit selfish of us? Rei - oh, what should I say? Rei is Rei. She embodies Chinese philosophy: both yin and yang. Not much to say besides that. Makoto was rather glad to hear that I'm coming clean. She isn't what you'd call a sensitive person, but she definitely pays attention to others' struggles. We must have talked about an hour. I'm judging that from the massive amount of green tea we ordered. On the other hand, I probably talked to Mamoru even longer. He's the same little bastard as always, but he's a nice little bastard. He sees me as I am: strong yet weak, innocent yet guilty, alive yet dead. Yeah, those are weighty words, but I swear they're true! For a time, I tried asking Michiru something. Somehow, I didn't get through. Her mind must have been somewhere else. In a weird way, she's like an older Minako. Wonder what she's going through? What she's been through? Well, Haruka was typically open. There's no keeping secrets around her. I think I made a joke that she was an inquisitor, and that I was an unrepentant soul. It's funny because it's more true than she thought. Setsuna, now--she's another story. Often, she's all business, worried about tipping the fragile scales of time. Not these days. Recently, she's been absolutely high, laughing at even the smallest joke. Now is that a good sign? I hope not. Finally, I got around to Hotaru. I've been avoiding her lately. I don't want to brood any more than I have to, or to dwell on voids and darkness. But the upshot is that she isn't all that bad. Week 14: I made a terrible mistake. It's terrible for me to think about what I've done... and how long it took for me to realize that I'd done this. I totally forgot to tell little Usagi, my parents, Naru, or even Umino about the struggle I've been through. How I neglected to think about them, I don't know. But this shall change soon. Week 15: To anyone who might be reading this, I have one piece of advice: don't do as I've done. My family and friends were actually willing to forgive me. But how many other people would be willing to tolerate being left in the dark? Maybe they won't have the most fun, knowing that I've been a miserable creature - but at least they know. I guess the saying is true: whether you say it with malice and greed, or whether you say it with love, the message is all that matters. Week 16: Summer is drawing near. I don't want to have to worry any longer. All I want is to get on with my life. Week 17: Out of curiosity, I went to Michiru's place, and started talking with her. Our talk was a bit of an on-and-off deal, since she had about a dozen phone calls in two hours' time. But in spite of all that, I think I might have finally caught her while not distracted. Though Michiru often appears a calm, in-control, and (though rarely) cheery person, she's had the same struggles with fate that we've all had. No, she's never considered suicide, but she did confess to taking out her problems through violence. Week 18: I've got a lot to do... and a lot to put off. When you think about it, procrastination can be a fun thing. Week 19: A few weeks ago, I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. Now I know that something worse has come about - and once again, I'm the one worthy of blame. I can't write any more at this time - at least not until I clean up this situation. Week 20: Last week, what I realized - almost too late - was Artemis' role in all this. How could I forget him? For all I know, he may have understood Minako better than any of us! What I must do, before much more time is lost, is to first find out what he's been up to over the last few months. The cat definitely hasn't been talking to any of us, and I know Luna hasn't been talking to him. Maybe after I figure that out, then I might ask what he knows about Minako's death. Week 21: Good news. Artemis and Luna are talking again. The white feline has mostly been in hiding, living in between the Aino residence and the streets. But what's bothering me most is my own forgetfulness. How did I forget about him? Why didn't my conscience remind me? Week 22: Self-blame is a destructive thing. Sometimes, though, it is a way of purification. ...Rei would probably be proud of me, hearing something like that. She knows how selfish I can be, and also how poor I am at introspection. Week 23: I've thanked the cats for helping me through this. Luna, Artemis, and Diana knew better than me all along. I'm just amazed at their generosity. After all, I was the one who neglected them for months, and now they've pretty much helped me to keep my sanity. Week 24: Yes, summer is starting to slip past me. But I have grown stronger, and I am not yet defeated. I'd rather count this as an achievement than a shortcoming. Week 25: I really, really need to get outside. Week 26: I've made it half a year. Thus far, I have endured a considerable amount of trauma - and without any foes to bring it on. In some ways, I wonder if these trials are all for the best. Obviously, I didn't ask to have my good friend commit suicide, and I certainly never wanted to explore the darker sides of my nature. While I'm not sure if anyone is really in control of all this, I believe that these problems can be worked through. Week 27: As summer sinks into the mists, one question is there to bother me: why did Minako kill herself? I don't know if I can answer that, or if anyone can. But above all else, I want to try to find out. Maybe this is a futile quest. Maybe it isn't. Minako may be dead, but I believe someone is out there who can supply the answers. Fpr every thing, there is a cause and a reason, right? Thus, I shall begin tomorrow. Week 28: The way I figured it, those closest to Minako would know her best. It seemed like a good idea - or at least that's how it looked a week ago. But, six days after my little search began, I still have no leads. Her parents won't talk about it. Yeah, I respect their point of view, but it's still useless to me. Since she didn't have a steady boyfriend, my next individual was Artemis. Now that he's got his family back together and working, he was willing to talk about her... "It hit me like lightning," he said, obviously confusing her with Jupiter, "She had just about everything to live for. I wish I understood it." After he said that, all I could do was agree with him. This whole thing is mystifying so far. Week 29: The other inners and I knew Minako for several years. Why should we not know quite a bit *about* her? I'd thought that I understood the young woman. But the thing is--we don't really understand her even now. Yes, I asked Rei, Ami, and Makoto in turn, and then got together with all three for a free-form discussion. None of us could produce a plausible motive for her suicide. Furthermore, we hardly know anything about what killed her. That's starting to bother me. Week 30: Who were Minako's teachers? Her athletic coaches? One-time boyfriends? Fans? Merchandise agents? Where are they now, and can I get anything out of them? Week 31: Here I am, once again sitting in her room. As I write this, Haruka and Makoto are guarding the door. This has become a dangerous operation, if only because the Aino family isn't terribly happy that we want to know more about her death. In any event, I've thoroughly searched the place, analyzed her last note, and come up with a rough itinerary of the final hours of her life. *Now* I might have a few clues. Next week, I hope to put this all together. Week 32: OK, I was wrong. I definitely got some solid leads and clues from my search. But I don't have what you'd call a solid case. My suspicions alone are pretty useless - you can't build evidence from that. One thing is clear... whatever the truth may be, her death was surrounded by some odd circumstances. I really have had a hard time piecing these non-sequitur events together. Week 33: I've showed my set of clues and deductions to my fellow Sailors. I guess you could say some of their reactions were predictable... though others weren't. Rei, for one, asked me, "So, you think she was murdered?" No, I don't. In as many words, I tried to tell her that. I admit it - murder is one hypothesis of mine. My mind, however, is open to any possibility. After all, I don't have a potential murderer, a motive, or any fingerprints. What sort of case is that? Week 34: Little Usagi asked if I should call the police. I said no. There is no need to involve anyone else. After all, for all I know, we could be dealing with another of Serenity's - or my - enemies. Still, I need to know more about the circumstances. I will try to find out about the scene where she was found dead. Week 35: I need some time to consider the facts. First: she was found face-down on her bed. Her head was just a centimeter away from the pillow. Minako's eyes were closed, as was her mouth. The blouse she had worn earlier that day was neatly hung on a hanger. Her skirt was still on, and like her other garments, it was in perfect condition. On the scene were no pills, tablets, fluids, or anything of the sort. The police couldn't find any weapon, and neither did I see one. There were no distinctive marks or fingerprints other than hers. In conclusion: no one is sure even how she died. That's not much of a conclusion, is it? Week 36: How many people go about actively trying to ruin others' lives? Few that I know. Though I don't believe people are inherently good, they certainly aren't inherently obnoxious. However, I may have found an exception. Mr. and Mrs. Aino seem be striving to humiliate me. They've been calling my house time and time again. I worry about these people. They've clearly been under a lot of stress. But is that an excuse? Now I don't mean to be suspicious and blame-seeking, but they could be the killers. Who knows? Stranger things have happened. Week 37: Fall is a tough time to be an amateur detective. Week 38: Was Minako murdered? Did she die of natural causes? Was it really just a suicide after all? Or is she fooling us all, and waiting to rise from the bed of death? I don't know. Week 39: Her last letter was not hastily scrawled. From experience I know that her penmanship was good - often better than mine. Well, what relevance does this have? I think it indicates that she was not in a hurry at the time. If I'm right, and not just jumping to an illogical conclusion, there's no sign that she knew she was going to die. Oh, and my thoughts are somewhat supported by the actual words. Just thought I should clarify that. Week 40: First snowfall of the year. I'm stuck inside. Week 41: More questions... Ami said she's wondering if Sailor V had some enemies that we didn't know about. That's as good a question as any. Week 42: I decided to test a hypothesis. Over the phone, I called Mrs. Aino. She has stopped bothering me, so I figured things might be getting better. Well, Mrs. Aino was nervous, hesitant to give answers to my questions. But who wouldn't be? After all, I identified myself as Sailormoon. That way, I could drop questions without dropping my ordinary identity. Week 43: Maybe - and I repeat, maybe - I have found the solution. Her parents insist that they are innocent. There are no other suspects. Minako had no reason, no motivation to die. All things considered, I could easily give up. But I won't do that. Any solution that comes my way, I'm willing to accept. If I had a reason to choose one or another, I'd definitely take that one. So, in desperation, I'm going to accept one of my potential explanations. Week 44: I have decided. Until I find evidence to convince me otherwise, I shall believe that Minako's death was a complete accident. I'm ready to call it a fluke. There really isn't any other explanation that I'd be willing to accept. Week 45: Winter is here with a vengeance. However, this is the holiday season. Now that I've made up my mind, I believe that things are getting better. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's just that I'll be able to get together with my fellow Sailors for the first time in a long while. Whatever the reason, I'm not willing to consider all these crazy things. Week 46: It's been a good Christmas. We all still miss Minako. Now it finally feels like her spirit is watching us, if just beyond reach. All my friends have inspiring memories of her, and at least we can keep those. Week 47: The madness of the holidays is gone. Maybe it's nice in a way - I do enjoy peace and quiet - but I feel that I'm alone again. Now I wonder... why did it have to be an accident? Why her? Why so soon? Why not me? Week 48: My questions can not have answers. If they did, what would I do? Anyway, I now know that I'm *not* strong enough to move on. If I could sort this all out, I would be like God, and that would be my undoing. But I've been thinking again... about different things. I've got some interesting ideas in my head. After thinking about how I'm not ready to move on, I've decided that I need someone else to move me on. Maybe it's all too obvious, and you probably know what I mean by that. But this is something I believe I must do... Week 49: The deed is done, and the news has been received! Like I suggested last week, what I've been seeking is a certain someone to lift me above my petty struggles. And so I proposed to Mamoru. The first time, nearly a year ago, it didn't work. I was someone else then, but though I might not be completely different now, the change has been enough to convince him of my dedication. To Mamoru, I once appeared as someone weak, someone who couldn't get over her friend's death. Yeah, I still can't get over it, but I know my limitations now. In summary, it took a while to sort things out with him. All things considered, we're both pretty messed up, and yet we're both innocent as anything. We are now engaged. I am proud to say these words! Week 50: The word is now out. My little world knows of my decision. I'm tempted to say something like "and so another saga in my life begins," but that's far too pretentious. I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm not quite like that. You see, I believe that Serenity is in control of my life. She is my first mother, and she can still see me now, though I have a different body. That much established, it's easy to believe that no matter what my friends might say, it doesn't matter. So go on, gossip about me. I know you want to. But Mamoru and I, along with the queen, know the truth. Week 51: Yet again, I talked with my friends. They are more eager than ever to see me move onward. They know that I need Mamoru to fill the void in my life. My friends, to their credit, didn't call me a fool. Only a fool would do that. With that silly, cryptic statement, I must move on. My marriage is in three days. I'm definitely not ready for this, and yet I've been waiting for this forever. So, beyond all the mundane preparations, all I can really do to keep my sanity is to trust that this is going to work out. Week 52: Thank you, Sailors. Thank you, family. Thank you, my other - though no less trusted - friends. Thank you, diary. Thank you, Minako. Thank you, Mamoru! This is Usagi, bringing this year to a close with the words "The End." -- WORDS IN CLOSING: Ever since I heard that this was the Chinese year of the rabbit, I've wanted to name a fanfic for it. Maybe the title isn't terribly relevant to the actual fanfic, but I think it fits. This story was also inspired by Newsboys' song "Elle G.," a fascinating tune that explores one person's reflections on a suicide. I'm not sure why I picked Minako as the one to go. I'll admit that I'm a fan of all the inners, that I don't find Uranus overly irritating, and that I'm really apathetic about the other outers. And no, I haven't seen anything beyond episode 104, nor do I care to. So, will I create more serious fanfics based on the BSSM continuity? Perhaps. I'm still a die-hard dub fan, but as long as I don't watch any more fansubs, I won't get into an angsty mood again. (FYI, the SM Pie spamfic series was pretty much driven by disgust at SM fansubs.) What do you think? E-mail me at . -Alan The usual disclaimers apply. This fanfic was finished and posted on March 16, 1999.